


The Long Road Home

by Kidfromthedeli



Category: Damages
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-24
Updated: 2019-05-24
Packaged: 2020-03-08 12:24:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 18
Words: 34,212
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18894589
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kidfromthedeli/pseuds/Kidfromthedeli
Summary: Picks up at the end of the series when Patty and Ellen encounter one another in the drugstore and rambles on from there. There is no Catherine in this fic and only vague mentions of Michael. The story is told from Ellen’s viewpoint and through the eyes and voice of her young daughter Sophie.





	1. Chapter 1

I felt her presence as clearly as I could see her. Patty with her designer coat, perfect hair and that aura which radiates wealth and power seemed as out of place in the drugstore as a flamingo in a flock of pigeons. I felt rooted to the spot, my hand tightened its grip around Sofie’s, a mother’s reflex reaction to the threat of danger. Today of all days, when I looked like I'd been dragged through a hedge backwards. My hair scraped back in a pony tail, cheap shoes and a coat that was now a relic of my glory days. I wanted to disappear, I wanted to be anywhere else except pinned to the spot by Patty’s hypnotic blue eyes. I set my shoulders and returned her gaze. I don't know how long we stood there just staring each other down. Sofie’s timid ’hi’ shook us both out of the trance. Patty arranged her features into a smile that looked anything but genuine, we took two strides towards each other and met in the middle. It was awkward and stilted, her eyes were full of words she thankfully would not say in front of my daughter. I tried to be pleasant and positive but my voice was fighting past the lump in my throat and tears clouded my vision. I willed them not to fall. I looked down at my daughter, her eyes were like saucers. She had slipped under Patty’s spell in two minutes flat. It had taken everything I had to stay away from Patty. I couldn't go back, it wasn't my world anymore. Sophie was my world now.

I never called Patty, she called me two weeks after our meeting at the store. Two weeks during which I thought about her constantly. When the past rose up like a tsunami and drowned me in memories. When I drank more than I should for the first time since before Sophie was born. I cried every night after I put her to bed. I thought about David and I drank, the blood spattered nightmares returned and I drank some more. One morning I was too hungover to get out of bed and Sophie missed school, then shame set in. I love my daughter, she is the only achievement in my life I am truly proud of. Everything else is tainted with blood, regret and Patty Hewes. I left Patty many times, I left after David, after betraying her to the FBI, after Highstar. I convinced myself I hated her because that was a lot easier than admitting that I craved her attention and approval. Whenever I left she would find a reason to draw me back in and I willingly returned. We were addicted to the drama, however bad I felt being around Patty, I felt a lot worse being without her. She offered me the keys to the kingdom and I threw them back in her face. I didn't want the kingdom, I had yet to realise I wanted her. I was with Chris, I convinced us both he was what I wanted and when I found out I was pregnant he was overjoyed. Sophie was born and I expected a call from Patty that never came. Chris and I fell apart before our daughters third birthday. I was dissatisfied and unhappy. It should have been the happiest time of my life but I felt abandoned by Patty and my resentment grew daily, to him and to her. He was the reason she didn't call, she was the reason I couldn't love him. In the end Sophie was all we had in common and we were hurting her. The arguments disturbed her sleep, the atmosphere was making her anxious and tense. She began to withdraw into herself barely speaking and hiding away. We both could see the damage we were doing but we couldn't bring ourselves to try anymore, to pretend it was going to work out because plainly it wasn't. One morning I woke up and he was gone. He visited Sophie when he could but it was unsettling for her and hurting him. Eventually he moved away, he sends money for Sophie but he hasn't seen her in over a year. He’s married now, Sofia has a half brother. I explained things as best as I could. She doesn't ask about her daddy much anymore. 

In the months after Chris left I thought about calling Patty many times but what could I say. 

’You were right all along Patty, I'm an ungrateful child who thinks she can have it all and is never satisfied.”

I couldn't bear the thought of her gloating or her faux sympathy or worse still, her pity. I couldn't go back but I couldn't seem to go forwards either. We managed, I got a part time job as a low level legal assistant back at Hollis and Nye that fits in with her school hours. The savings from my time with Patty have dwindled but with my job and the money Chris sends we get by. Sophie is shy of people she doesn't know, she is a little withdrawn at school but at home she's smart and funny. She reads my moods too well and adapts her behaviour accordingly. It shouldn't be like that for a five year old child, but I'm doing the best I can.

When we saw Patty that day my first reaction was shame. I was ashamed of how I looked, that I'd failed to make my relationship work, that my child was anxious and wary. I no longer belonged in the world that Patty ruled over in supremacy. She summed me up in one long sweeping glance and I could see sadness and disappointment in her eyes. Ellen, her Ellen whom she had groomed as her successor, who she had so many dreams for had become one of the masses. A sad single parent, drifting through a mundane life she had fought so tenaciously to escape. The promise of a glittering future reduced to the scramble to provide for a child she had been left alone to raise. While I burned with shame she practically vibrated with anger, I could see it in the twist of her lips and the angle of her head. It didn't help that she looked so magnificent. Yes she looked older, the lines more firmly etched in her strong features but it suited her. She dripped influence and status and her hypnotic eyes held me like a vice. 

“Motherhood suits you Ellen.” was her opening salvo. 

I stood straighter inwardly cursing my flat shoes. I was not going to get into anything with my daughter clinging onto my hand and trying to hide behind me. So I thanked her, I told her she looked well, I stared over her shoulder to avoid the taunting look in her eyes. God I missed her so much, I felt tears forming and my voice sounded strained to my own ears. I steeled myself to look at her and she seized the chance. 

“Call me.” She said, it sounded like a command. 

She stroked Sofia's hair and swept out of the store without a backward glance.

When the phone rang after nine one evening I knew it was Patty. Over two weeks had passed since our meeting and I had no intention of calling her. I felt I was on a downward spiral, crossing swords with Patty wasn't going to help me. I snatched the phone up and heard her clipped tones on the other end.

“Why haven't you called, why must I always come to you?” she sounded both angry and exasperated.

No build up, no normal greeting, no hesitation in her voice. It was like I'd just left the office without briefing her on the latest developments in a case. She read my mind with that eerie way she always had.

“Don't you dare hang up, you will talk to me. I want to help Ellen, not argue or judge or rake up the past. Seeing you again after all this time made me realise.....well, a lot of things.”

“We don't need your help, we're doing fine. I've managed without you for six years, I’ve got a different life now, It doesn't include you. We don't need you Patty. Go back to your life and let me get on with mine.”

I could see her in my minds eye curled up on the couch in her apartment, shoes off, drink in hand, music playing. I imagined her closing her eyes and drawing in a breath, trying to hang on to what little patience she had. I almost smiled and then out of nowhere I was crying. Ugly wretched sobs rose from my throat choking me making speech impossible. I hung up. 

An hour later Patty was sat on one end of my beaten up couch steadfastly ignoring my rundown apartment littered with Sofia's toys and piles of laundry I hadn't got round to dealing with. I have no idea where she found out my address. She kept her eyes firmly on me and her voice low. She made us some tea and plied me with tissues while I cried and rambled. She only spoke when my voice began to rise, calming me quickly with soothing words and a gentle gaze. She held my hand and said nothing when I lay against her shoulder soaking her shirt in tears that wouldn't stop. We never used to touch, victories were celebrated with a quick clasp of the shoulder and the satisfying gleam of pride in her eyes. Her hand was small and warm in mine. Hours later she left me half asleep on the couch. She covered me with a throw, kissed my forehead and was gone. I wondered if I dreamt it all. 

After that night Patty began to ring every evening, always late when Sophie had gone to bed. The floodgates had been opened and I talked and talked, not about the past but about Sophie, my job, my guilt at being so unhappy and damaging the one thing I had in my life that brought me joy. Surprisingly Patty said little, she offered no advice or platitudes she just listened while I got it all out, always ending our conversations with ’I'll call you tomorrow, sleep well.’ and as if she had direct control of the sandman my sleeping pattern did improve, I felt calmer, no longer in a complete whirl of bed, work and childcare. I enjoyed a glass of wine in the evenings and looked forward to Patty’s call. She had taken a few steps back from work these days, only overseeing the cases that sparked her interest, no weekends and home by six every night. She still insisted she was surrounded by incompetent idiots but she sounded a world away from the Patty that drove everyone to within an inch of their lives when I was there. Perhaps she was lonely, Phil, Tom, Michael, they were all gone. I was no danger to her now, I'd proved that, I kept our secrets and would continue to do so. If she wanted something from me she had yet to reveal what it was. So far she was as good as her word, she wasn't judging, she was helping.

I called Patty one night and asked her to come over. I felt down and in need of some adult company. I has dreamt of David the night before, a long sweet dream, he wore scrubs, his kind face looked disappointed in me. He walked away and I followed asking what was wrong. I held his hand and he began to run, dragging me along with him, we laughed, the landscape turned from a city scape to green fields, the sun was setting, he ran towards it urging me to keep up. I heard Sophie calling me, her voice distressed but loud in my mind. 

’Mommy, mommy, mommy.’ 

I stopped and said I had to get back to her. David smiled sadly, he seemed to dissolve before my eyes. I woke up in tears tangled in the sheets, I checked on Sophie who was sleeping soundly. I felt unsettled all day, I couldn't concentrate in work, I was anxious and tetchy. I called Patty at her office, she promised to be over later. By the time she arrived I was well into my second bottle of wine. The liquid slipping down nicely and I felt calm for the first time that day. Patty raised her eyebrows in disapproval but said nothing. She listened, I grew increasingly agitated. We sat closer together, I started to talk about Frobisher, about Ray Fisk her expression grew stonier but I pressed on. If I was going to learn to trust her we had to get it all out. She told me leave it alone. What was done was done. What started as a mild altercation escalated until I lost my temper and threw the remains of my glass over her shirt. It bloomed like a blood stain. She was rightly furious, her face pinched and red with anger, In my intoxicated state I believed she was going to lash out at me so I acted first. The slap to her face rang loudly in the small room. Her hand rose to her cheek and we sat in stunned silence. I've never raised a hand in anger to anyone in my life. Bile rose in my throat, I jumped up and ran to the bathroom where I threw up the copious amounts of alcohol I'd consumed. When I came out of the bathroom I expected her to have left but she was sat as still as a statue on the couch. 

“Are you alright?” she asked me her voice soft with concern. 

I cried in her arms till I fell asleep. When I woke there was a note.

“I'll call you tomorrow.” she was gone, I held the cushion that smelt faintly of her perfume and went back to sleep. 

The phone ringing at seven the next morning jarred me from my position on the couch. My back screamed in protest as I made a grab for my cell. Patty sounded as bright as a button on the other end.

“Rise and shine Ellen, it's a school morning, are you feeling alright?”

“Patty I'm so sorry....” she cut me off.

“I'm making you an appointment to see a doctor on Saturday morning. You can leave Sophie with me, we’ll take Corey to the park.”

“Just a minute...” my head was scrambling to catch up, she wouldn't let me, she was relentless her voice held a tone that brooked no argument.

“Is my presence in your life making things worse? If you tell me to I'll stay away, I won't contact you again, but I think you need help Ellen, let me help you please.”

There it was, that seductive tone that drew you in, the promise that everything was going to be alright. The threat of withdrawal if you didn't do what she wanted. I closed my eyes to stop the nausea that was roiling through my body. I wanted her here, I wanted to lie in her arms while she looked after me. The thought of not seeing her again scared me more than my actions the previous night.

“Don't stay away, my voice sounded weak and needy. I hated myself. I’ll think about seeing somebody. will you call me tonight?”

“Of course I will, now go and eat something, you'll feel better.” she hung up, I felt bereft, I made coffee and ate some toast before I got Sophie out of bed. She was right, I did feel better.


	2. Two

I was still horrified at losing control to such an extent, to strike someone, to strike Patty. What was I truly capable of? Hurting my child? Was that what was next for me? I called in sick and tried to comprehend my actions. I would not accept an excess of alcohol as an excuse, I had a high tolerance to it. Working with Patty did that for a girl, she drank like a Russian sailor. I've never known it affect her work, her words or actions. Drinking was another symptom of my abject failure to maintain any relationship or succeed in anything since I folded my own practice. I was a poor excuse for a mother, I couldn't seem to build any friendships at work or with the other parents from Sophie’s school. I didn't understand these people with their inconsequential lives, whose only hope of finding their way out centred on lottery tickets or American idol. I used to matter, I used to make decisions that made millions of dollars. My obsession with Patty pushed me to the edge of reason, letting it go drove me into a pit of despair. Now she’s back in my life, I don't know how to feel about her anymore. All I have is anger. When she called me that night, her voice was a balm to my soul. She said she understood my frustration and I had reached a turning point in my life. I had to get professional help before I became overwhelmed. I had to let her in, she could help me, she knew me, she cared about me. 

I threw my stash of alcohol away, I took thirty minutes a day to myself. A long bath after Sophie was asleep. Losing myself in soft music, or reading in bed. I calmed down a little. Saturday came, I doubted Sophie would consent to being with left with a virtual stranger, but if she agreed to it then I was going to see doctor Samuels. Patty said he was a leader in his field, I shuddered to think of the cost, my last encounter with therapy had been in the wake of David's death, a counselling group for the bereaved. I didn't feel like it helped me, but I was willing to try this, I had to get a hold of myself for Sophie. I owed it to her, to Patty and to myself.

On saturday I took more time with my appearance than I had for years. I had a haircut, found a flattering dress from the forgotten corner of my closet and some smart heeled boots I had tucked away. I wanted Patty to see I was making an effort to turn a corner. I wanted her to be proud of me again. When she opened the door, she caught me by surprise and greeted me with a kiss to show me I was forgiven, there was a faint bruise on her cheek, I felt my face burn with shame. I could see Sophie swaying between her fear of being left and her desire to take that damned dog to the park. In the end my daughter, who walks through the school gates every morning with the air of someone going to the guillotine skipped happily down the road clutching Patty’s hand like a lifeline. I felt so proud of her, she was obviously smitten with Patty, she was her mothers daughter. 

Doctor Samuels was an identikit psychiatrist, pale, scholarly looking, kind brown eyes. I didn't need him to tell me I was in the grip of depression. I needed to know how to get out of it. The hour passed in five minutes, I came away a little encouraged, I was impressed by his professionalism, I wanted this to work, that was surely half the battle. When Sofia came home bubbling with excitement after her trip to the park my heart lifted a little more. When she threw her arms round Patty’s neck and kissed her goodbye I felt a bubble of happiness and a spark of hope. I knew there were hard times to come with my therapy, so many terrible scars that had lately started to break open needed to be permanently healed. My bewildering relationship with Patty would keep us busy for weeks. I needed to know it was alright to love her. We fell into a routine of phone calls and Saturday visits. I began to look forward to them as much as Sophie, she adored Patty and the feeling was obviously mutual. They chattered away like best friends, who knew that after such a disastrous relationship with her own son, she would be a complete natural with my daughter. My temper flared occasionally, it was difficult dredging up the past that was so tangled with my feelings for Patty and then returning to face her. She was endlessly patient. After my appointment we would spend half an hour discussing the issues it has raised, I recognised it was hard for her too, I wasn't the only one hurting here. Talking about David, Ray and Tom was painful for Patty. She had found a way to deal with the consequences of her actions over the years. I had to find mine. Inevitably we drew closer emotionally and physically. We kissed hello and goodbye, unconsciously she would take my hand when we were talking or move my hair from my face, I basked in her attention. When all three of us sat on her couch watching toy story together I felt a peace that had eluded me for a long time. Sophie was thrilled at the promise of us all going to the movies together, when she was engrossed in her drawing I took Patty’s hand, drew it to my lips and kissed it. It was the most intimate thing we had ever done. I wondered if I had gone too far but when I looked into her eyes I felt like it was a beginning.


	3. Three

The first time I met Patty I thought she was scary. She had on a long thick white coat and she had very red lips. She looked like something straight from a storybook. I was in the drug store with mommy and Patty was there too. They stared at each other for a long time so I said hi because no one was speaking and mommy was holding my hand extra tight and it felt weird. Anyway they started talking then and that's when I found out that Patty used to be mommy’s boss and they hadn't seen each other since before I was born. I'm five now so that's a long time. Maybe that's why they didn't sound very friendly and mommy’s face went a bit red. I told Patty I really liked her coat but then mommy squeezed my hand so I didn't say anything about her shiny black shoes with the really high heels or her red lips. Patty looked pleased though, she said mommy should call her soon and it was good to see her again. She looked at me and I noticed she had really pretty blue eyes. She said it was nice to meet me and hoped to see me again then she left. Mommy told me to stop staring after Patty but I'd never met anyone like her before and I couldn't help it. Mommy said she had never met anyone like Patty before either and then we went home.

Mommy must have called Patty sometime because one Saturday I was wearing a new dress and my best shoes because we were going to Patty’s apartment to visit. Mommy looked really pretty that day. She had her hair cut and it was straight and shiny. She wore high boots and a swirly brown dress. I was excited and skipped along the sidewalk holding mommy’s hand. I wondered if Patty would have on her big pointy shoes, I didn't think she would wear her coat inside, but maybe it was somewhere I could see it. The big building was nothing like where we lived. It had a doorman in a smart uniform who smiled at mommy and knew her name. We got in an elevator and mommy let out a big sigh. She asked me how she looked and I said pretty. She smiled, straightened my hair and warned me again not to stare at things or talk too much. I promised. Again.

Patty opened the door, I looked straight at her feet, she didn't have any shoes on but she had pink polish on her toenails, I opened my mouth to ask mommy if I could paint my toenails pink too but mommy was looking right at me so I didn't say anything. Patty kissed mommy on the cheek, she had to stretch up a bit to do it because Patty was kind of short without her shoes and mommy’s boots had big heels. The apartment was huge, and it had stairs. Our whole place would have fit in the one room we were stood in. It looked a bit empty, and very tidy, I guess Patty doesn’t like mess. There was a big dog lay on the floor, he looked sleepy. I love dogs, I asked for a dog for my birthday but mommy said no. I asked his name and if I could pet him, Patty said sure and mommy said no at the same time. I got my books out of my backpack and sat on the floor to colour instead. After a little while Corey came over and lay down next to me, no one was watching so I pet his nose and he licked my hand. I drew a picture of Patty walking him on a leash in the park with trees and flowers. Mommy was talking a lot and waving her hands about like she does when she gets mad. Patty’s voice was like a whisper, I didn't know what they were talking about, it was probably boring grown up stuff. Corey had his head in my lap now so I played with his ears. I was getting hungry, I wondered what sort of food Patty ate and if she had any cookies. I didn't think so, no kids lived here. Mommy said Patty lived all by herself. I thought I'd been really quiet so it would be ok to ask mommy about lunch. She said we would get something on the way home and maybe it was time to go. I was sorry I asked now because it was nice here, there was lots of room, shiny floors and big windows. I'd finished my picture so I went over to Patty to give it to her. She said it was really good. She said when she walked Corey in the park it was just like my picture. Maybe one day I could go with them, I didn't ask though. Mommy got my coat and Patty helped me fasten the buttons, she pulled me close to her and whispered ’be good for your mother.’ I nodded, she looked scary again but because she smelt so good I leaned forward and gave her a big hug and a kiss on the neck anyway. Mommy laughed and said Patty had lost none of her charm and she was a big hit. I didn't know what that meant but they were both smiling and when Patty said come and see me again soon I was smiling too.

It was Saturday again and we were going to visit Patty. Mommy asked me if I would be ok staying with Patty while she went into the city by herself. I thought about it, maybe mommy wouldn't come back and go wherever daddy went to. I tried to be brave and say ok but mommy had never left me with anyone I didn’t really know before and I started to cry. Mommy looked really sad and said it was alright, she didn't have to go. 

Patty knew I’d been crying, she looked right at me when we got inside so I stood behind mommy, I didn't want Patty to think I was a baby. She had on some jeans with a blue shirt. She said she was all dressed to take me and Corey to the dog park while mommy was in the city. Corey came over to me with a leash in his mouth and dropped it on the floor at my feet. I wanted us all to go together but I know mommy doesn't like dogs very much and she really wanted to go to the city. Maybe it would be ok just with Patty. Maybe I would get to hold the leash for a while, I'd never walked a dog before. I looked at mommy and she promised me she would be back here before me and Patty even got back from the park. Mommy never breaks her promises. It was too nice to stay inside, Patty said there would be lots of other dogs there. I really wanted to go now. I went over to Patty and held her hand. I asked her if she would look after me and make sure I didn't get lost. She bent down so I could look right in her eyes. ’I will guard you with my life’ she said. I smiled then, Patty was really scary so I knew I'd be safe. It was going to be fine. We went out first, mommy told me to have a good time and do what Patty said. she kissed my forehead and gave Patty a kiss on the cheek, she whispered something to her that I didn't hear but Patty was smiling because I was pulling her hand and Corey started to bark so Mommy told us to go before the neighbours started complaining. We walked to the park, Patty walks really fast so I had to skip to keep up, I held her hand really tight, Corey walked beside her but when we got to the park she let me hold onto him until we got to where all the dogs were then Patty let him off the leash and he ran to play and chase balls. I worried he wouldn't come back but Patty said he always comes when she calls him because he was a smart dog who would follow her to the end of the earth. I asked where that was but Patty laughed and said I was just like my mother. 

We walked around for a while and she told me all the names of the flowers, I told her about school and Shauna Phillips who made fun of my shoes, she asked who my best friend was, I said mommy. Patty called Corey and he ran straight back to us. She said he would be tired now so we sat down at some tables outside a cafe, I asked for coke but Patty said nice try and ordered some juice instead. She let me choose the ice cream though, we shared one with warm raspberries on top. Patty put on her sunglasses and she watched people strolling by while I chattered on about my favourite things like cartoons, story books and shoes. She didn't seem to mind if I talked a lot. She asked me what sort of things I didn't like and I said bad dreams, thunder storms and broccoli, she said that made perfect sense. We started to walk back, Patty swung our hands and I held Corey's leash again. We played ’don't step on the cracks’ when we got close to the apartment. When we got inside mommy was right there like she said she would be. I gave her a hug and told her what a good time we had in the park, about Corey and ice cream and flowers. She smiled but she didn't say much, she kept looking over at Patty so I sat on the floor with Corey because it was time to be quiet. They sat close together and talked for a while then mommy said it was time to go. On the way home she asked me if I would like to be with Patty again next Saturday, I said sure because I'd had fun and Patty said she had lots of shoes that needed sorting out and I could help her do it. Mommy smiled and said that would take a long time.

Patty’s shoe closet was almost as big as my bedroom. Some shoes were in racks, some were in boxes and some were scattered on the floor. Patty asked me if I was sure I wanted to do this and I nodded happily. I'd never seen so many shoes in one place. We sat on the floor and got started, it was like shoe snap. We sorted them into stacks of long boots, short boots, winter shoes, summer shoes, work shoes, and going out shoes. Patty let me walk around in some of them. We counted fifty six pairs, and there were even some odd ones, maybe Corey ate them. Mommy was back before we had finished, she said it was ridiculous to have so many but Patty winked at me and said a girl can never have too many shoes. I thought she was right, especially pointy sparkly ones, they were my favourites. Mommy went to make some tea so I asked Patty why she walked around with bare feet all the time when she had so many shoes, I could hear mommy laughing in the kitchen and she shouted ’get out of that one.’ Patty said she was going to help mommy make some sandwiches and she forgot to answer. Mommy looked happier today, she ate two sandwiches and some salad stuff. She kept teasing Patty about the shoes, but Patty didn't mind. She said when she was little she had holes in her school shoes and her socks got all wet when it rained. I asked if the other kids laughed at her like Shauna Phillips laughs at me but everyone went quiet and mommy’s cheeks went red so I went to sit with Corey for a while. I could hear them talking, mommy was getting mad, her voice getting louder and her hands started to wave around. Patty told her to go and calm down, mommy went upstairs. I'd been upstairs in Patty’s apartment but I didn't know if there was a way out from up there, I was a bit scared now. I kept looking at the stairs waiting for mommy to come back. I played with Corey’s ears, they are smooth and silky. I can tell he doesn't like it much, he huffs and flicks his ears around but he doesn't move away he just let's me do it, he's such a sweet dog, I don't know why mommy doesn't like him. Patty came and sat with me, I snuggled up close to her till I was almost in her lap, she rubbed her hand through my hair, it was nice, we stayed like that for a long time, I didn't say anything. Patty told me not to cry, I didn’t even know that I was. When mommy came back down the stairs we were playing cards, I jumped up and held mommy’s hand tight, she smiled at me and said we had to go, she said bye to Patty but didn't gave her a kiss so I ran over to the couch and kissed her cheek like mommy usually does, she gave me a quick hug and said ’see you next week, right?’ but she was looking at mommy and mommy sighed and said yes, we'll see you next week.

My mommy used to be a lawyer. She doesn't do that anymore. Patty used to be mommy’s boss, Patty says she’s the best lawyer in America, maybe the whole world. She looks after me on a Saturday morning while mommy goes to the doctor to talk. I used to think that doctors were for when you were sick, like when I used to get bad throats all the time and had to take horrible medicine to make them go away, but mommy’s not sick like that. She gets sad sometimes and she says talking to the doctor is helping to make her feel better. I hope she stops being sad soon, but that might mean I don’t get to spend Saturday mornings with Patty and her dog Corey. I like being with Patty, she cheats at cards and doesn't like cartoons but sometimes she lets me wear her pointy shoes with the high heels and she can draw really well. Last week we tried to make some cupcakes but they didn't turn out right and we made lots of mess in the kitchen. Patty said we wouldn't be doing that again and made me help clean up. We had to throw the cakes away. I told her it didn't matter and mommy says you can't be good at everything but Patty said the instructions must have been wrong and she might sue the company and win zillions of dollars. We went to the bakery and bought some cupcakes instead, Patty said she had promised mommy cakes and so we had to have cakes, me and Patty had two each, she said we had earned them. Mommy only had one, she looked sad. I hoped it wasn't because we had to buy the cakes instead of making our own but I didn't say anything. I know when to be quiet.

Apart from mommy, Patty is my favourite person in the whole world. She's really smart too, much smarter than my teachers at school. It's really easy to understand things when Patty explains them to me. She taught me to play a card game called twenty one. It's helping me learn to count better, I can easily spot Patty cheating now. She says we have to play for something to make it more interesting, it should be money but I don't have any so we play for m&m’s instead. Patty’s pile is always way bigger than mine so she eats a bunch till they even out. I've been spending Saturday mornings with her for six weeks now. Things have been a bit different at home. Mommy talks more and sometimes she eats a bit more too. I don't have to be quiet as much and she reads to me at night. When mommy comes back from the doctors she and Patty talk for a while and then we stay for lunch. Last Saturday we stayed late because Toy Story was on the tv and Patty had never seen it before. we all sat together on the couch and ate popcorn until it finished. I told her there was a new toy story film coming soon, she asked if I'd like to go to the cinema and see it. I've never been to the movies before, then Mommy said we could all go. I can't wait, it will be the first time we've all been out together like a family. I sat on the floor to draw a picture of buzz and woody. I saw Mommy take hold of Patty’s hand and then she kissed it, I guess she was excited to be going to the movies too.


	4. Four

The next week Mommy lost her job, I don't know why. She was so sad, she tried not to cry when she told me but she couldn't help it. She said she would figure something out and I wasn’t to worry about it. I told her Patty would give her a job because she always says that mommy was the best lawyer she ever had. She shook her head and started to cry some more. She told me to go to bed but she didn't come in to read to me or even tuck me in and kiss me goodnight. She always does that even if I've been naughty or talked too much. I was scared and I cried a bit but I must have fell asleep because when I woke up again it was really dark, mommy always leaves the hallway light on. I was really scared now, I could hear all those horrible noises that mommy says are just wind and stuff rattling through the cracks and pipes. I don't know, those noises really sound like monsters to me. I wondered if she'd be mad if I crept into her room. Sometimes I do it when I've had a bad dream. I snuggle up to her, she says I shouldn't really do it but she let's me stay. I got up and went down the hallway. I could see light from the tv, maybe she had fell asleep on the couch. I called her from the doorway but she didn't wake up. I went closer and called her again she still didn't move. Then I could see from the lights that mommy had been sick. She had vomit on her clothes and her face. It smelt really bad. I shook her very hard, a glass fell on the floor and broke. I was crying now, I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered one day at school a man came to talk to us and he said if the person looking after you got sick and you were on your own you should call 911. Mommy’s phone was on the table. I picked it up and must have pressed one of the buttons, the screen lit up, I could hear a ringing tone. I was crying really hard by now, and then all of a sudden, there was Patty’s voice.

Ellen? It's gone three in the morning, are you alright? Ellen say something....”

I gulped and hiccupped but I couldn't get any words out, my voice wouldn't work. After a few seconds Patty realised it was me.

“Sophie is that you? where's your mother? Take a deep breath and try to talk.”

I tried, but I just wailed into the phone like a baby.

“Ok, Sophie calm down and just listen to me. I'm going to ask you some questions and you just say yes or no. You don't have to talk except yes or no. I know you can do that. You're a brave girl. Let's try it now, ok?”

“yyyyess.”

“Good girl, that was really good. Is your mommy there with you?”

“Yes”

“Is she awake?”

“No”

“Is she in bed?”

“No”

“Is she on the floor?”

“No, couch.”

“Good girl, she's asleep on the couch?”

“Yes. She won't wake up.” 

“Does she look sick to you?”

“Yes, she's got sick on her face.” 

I couldn't talk anymore, I wet my pyjamas. I hid at the side of the couch close to mommy and cried down the phone.

“Its alright, I know you're scared, I'm getting in the car right now and driving over to you, just stay on the phone and I'll talk to you the whole time until I get there. You’re not on your own Sophie, I'm right here ok? 

“Ok”

“Did you call anybody else?”

“No” 

I heard a thump and bang from the other end of the phone, I screamed for Patty. I heard her say the f word really loud.

“It's alright, try to be quiet. I just fell over the dog, I'm fine, I'm getting in the car. Corey's coming with me so he can look after you while I look after mommy. I'm on my way, it won't be long now. Try to answer me Sophie, mommy needs you to help me. Be a big, brave girl. In a few minutes I'll be at the door.”

I didn't feel brave, I’d wet myself like a baby, I was crying and scared and cold. I wanted my mommy. I could hear Patty still talking and the noise of the car. She would know what to do. I wished she would hurry up, my teeth were starting to rattle in my head. She talked about Corey and the dog park and Toy Story while she was driving. I just sniffled and cried.

“I'm outside the building now Sofia, can you buzz me in? I know you can do that. Stay on the phone until I come in ok?”

I heard the buzzer so I ran to the hall and pressed the button for the outside door. I can reach the inside locks, I had to put the phone down because my hands were shaking really bad but I managed to open the door and Patty picked me right up and hugged me tight. She said lots of things but I didn’t hear, she tried to put me down but I wouldn't let go. In the end we sat on the floor, Corey licked my hands and I felt a bit better.

“Sophie, I need to look at your mommy now, you're going to have to let go. I'm here and everything's going to be fine. Go and sit over there with Corey and let me see to mommy. You did everything right, you've been such a brave girl. It's going to be alright now.”

Patty put some lights on and got me a blanket, she wrapped it round me and Corey lay down next to me so I could pet his ears while Patty went to help mommy. She got some towels and wet them in the kitchen sink. She cleaned off mommy’s face, she was talking to her the whole time, asking her to wake up. Patty’s face was white and her lips were in a tight line. She knelt down on the floor to try and move mommy onto her side and then she started to curse a lot. She must have knelt on some of the broken glass because now she had a lot of blood running down the leg of her pyjama pants. She wrapped that in another towel. She managed to get mommy to turn onto her side and then mommy threw up all over her. Patty said ‘Jesus’ and then thank god. I don't know why she was thanking god when she was covered in sick, blood and pee from when she picked me up but she even smiled, she didn't look happy though. I think she was crying a little bit too. Mommy started to make a moaning noise and opened her eyes, then she was sick again and again into the bowl Patty put on the floor. She sort of fell of the couch because she was retching so hard. Patty held her and told her she was doing fine, she managed to get her to drink a little water in between her being sick. Her eyes kept closing while she was propped up against the couch, but Patty kept on talking to her in a low voice, until she opened them again. She asked if she'd be ok for a minute while she saw to me and mommy nodded. Then mom looked at me and started to cry.

Patty gathered me up in the blanket and put me in the bath to wash me off, she got me some clean pyjamas and put me back in bed, she called Corey to come and lay with me. She told me to try to sleep and she would come and check on me soon. I didn't want her to go but I couldn't speak. She said I'd be just fine with Corey, and that mommy was going to be ok. I could hear her footsteps going back down the hall to mommy, I must have gone to sleep then.

I must have woke up again crying because Patty came in and picked me up, she carried me to mommy’s room and sat down with me in her lap on the chair. I snuggled in close to her, she covered us both with the blanket. It was light outside Patty said it was morning but I should try to sleep some more. It was warm and safe in Patty’s lap, Corey came and lay on the floor, mommy was asleep in her bed. I could see everyone. Patty stroked my hair, I went back to sleep. When I woke up again I was back in my bed. I could hear voices from the living room. I went in and ran to Patty, there was a man there I didn't know. Patty said he was a doctor friend of hers. He had given mommy some medicine to help her feel better and he had bandaged Patty’s leg. He asked me a couple of questions but I didn't want to talk to him. My voice didn't want to come out. He told Patty I would be fine in a couple of days, he said I'd had a shock and just to keep me calm and quiet and let me recover in my own time. I hid my head in Patty’s shirt until she let him out. Mommy was crying on the sofa, she didn't even look at me, I cried on Patty’s lap. Patty said ’oh for the love of god will you both stop crying but mommy couldn't seem to and neither could I.

 

I think mommy cried the whole day, Patty didn't know what to do. Mommy wouldn't let her hold her hand or sit near her. She pulled herself into a tight little ball on the couch and just cried, her face was all puffy and swollen. She tried to eat a bit of the soup Patty warmed for us but she only had a couple of mouthfuls, I didn't have much either. I don't like Tomato soup. I coloured for a while and petted Corey. I didn't go to school, Patty didn't go to work. We all sat in the apartment, not speaking much, not really looking at each other and crying a lot. Well Patty didn't cry, she huffed a bit and tried to get me to play cards or help me colour but I didn't really want to do anything. I just wanted to sit in her lap and let her stroke my hair or pet Corey’s ears. She said I'd feel better tomorrow after I had a good nights sleep and got back in a routine. We took Corey out for a walk but we didn't stay out long, I wanted to get back to mommy, I think Patty did too. She said it wasn't my job to worry about mommy so I asked 

“who's job is it then?” Patty looked at me a long time making sure I was looking right back at her. 

“It's mine” She said. Patty put me to bed that night, she read me a story and told me I had to go back to school tomorrow. I said ok, I'd rather go to school than watch mommy cry, she didn’t seem to want me around anyway.


	5. Five

Two days later I was called into the administrators office at work and informed my department was being restructured and I had lost my job. I was given a cursory apology and two weeks severance pay. I left the building in a complete daze and honestly I remember very little else about that day. I'm not making excuses, I am aware I entered a store and purchased wine and a large bottle of Jack Daniels. I was operating on automatic pilot. I picked Sophie up from school and remember the concern etched on her face when she saw me, a face too old and aware for a five year old. Pathetically I told her what had happened, unloading my pain onto a child. Her absolute faith in Patty being able to solve our problems was another twist of the knife in my gut. I'd failed again, I wasn't capable of supporting my daughter. I sent her to bed, I needed to be alone, she left the room like a ghost. I opened the wine and started to drink.

The next thing I remember was throwing up into a dish bowl on my living floor until there was nothing left. My throat was raw and burning, I couldn't get my limbs to respond to my brain. I couldn't understand what Patty was doing sat on the floor next to me, I thought possibly I was dreaming. After some time she managed to get me to my feet, I wrapped an arm around her shoulders and somehow we stumbled to the bathroom. Patty turned on the shower while I slumped over the toilet still retching violently. The room swayed and my vision clouded, I lay on the cold floor wishing I was dead. Patty was merciless, she swore at me, raged at me, her voice a harsh whisper in my head. Get up, get up. Over and over like a mantra. I responded, I managed to get to my knees at least and she helped me stand. She removed my shirt and pants and then her own. She stuffed the soiled clothes into a garbage sack and we both stood in my tiny bathroom completely naked. My shower is over the bath, she climbed in first and swore before helping me clamber over. The water was barely warm. I sat unsteadily on the rim of the tub until I felt able to stand. I managed a few seconds before I sat down again. I put my head low to my knees. I was beyond shame, I didn't feel anything, I was completely numb. Patty washed herself down quickly, I noticed her left leg bleeding badly below the knee the blood running down her shin before swirling down the drain. I watched it mesmerised. I stood and she washed me off while I propped myself up against the tiled wall. She shut off the water and helped me out wrapping herself in a towel before passing one for me to do the same.

“Brush your teeth” she instructed me.

“Do you still feel sick?”

I nodded, I couldn't meet her eyes. She guided me to the bedroom, threw back the cover and I gratefully lay down. She brought over a trash bin lined with plastic bags and put it at the side of the bed. Sternly she told me to stay on my left side and throw up in that if necessary. I heard her moving round the room and pulling things from drawers. Finally she sat down in the old armchair in the corner. She had on one of my sweatshirts and some flannel pyjama pants. She pulled a blanket over herself.

“I'll be right here, get some sleep.” her eyes glittered in the faint lamp light. 

I willed my body to stop shaking and wished the room would stay still. I closed my eyes.

I slept like the dead till eleven the following morning. I opened my eyes to see Patty sat reading on the armchair opposite the bed. I sat up and the room tilted alarmingly, everything hurt. I grabbed my robe from the end of the bed and headed for the bathroom. I threw up again noisily and painfully. I washed and brushed my teeth avoiding a confrontation I wasn't ready for. I could barely remember the previous night, obviously I'd got hideously drunk, somehow Patty had got here and helped clean me up. I staggered back to the bedroom and sat on the bed, I couldn't meet her eyes.

“Patty I'm....”

“Don't say anything, you're going to listen to me because I'm only going to say this once. You could have died Ellen. Sophie found you at three in the morning, flat out and covered in vomit, you could have choked to death. You know as well as I do the trouble you would have been in if she had called 911 instead of me, she would be in the system now and you’d be under arrest.”

“I lost my job.”

“That's your excuse for scaring your daughter half to death. When I got here she was hysterical.” 

Her eyes glittered and her voice became unsteady. I shuddered, gagged and just made it back to the bathroom. Patty came in she stroked my hair and rubbed my back. 

“I've called a doctor, don't worry, he's an old friend, he'll be discreet, go and sit down, I'll get you some water.”

Patty’s ’friend’ barely looked at me, he gave me a shot to stop the vomiting and some sachets to rehydrate. He examined Patty’s leg and closed the wound with steri-strips before dressing it. Sophie came into the room and went straight to Patty. She looked at me wide eyed with fear and distrust. I couldn't stop the tears, I could barely stand to see what I'd done to her. I curled myself into a ball in a corner of the couch and cried as if I would never stop. As good as her word Patty didn't say another thing about the previous night. She tried to engage with Sophie but she was weepy and listless. I couldn’t understand how I had fallen so far so fast. We were doing ok before Patty reappeared in my life, not great I know, but I'd never sunk to these depths before. I wondered briefly if she was behind all this, if she'd engineered the whole thing as some sick and twisted revenge but when I looked at her constantly, warily, watching me all I could see was a deep sadness and pain in her eyes. She hadn't caused the train wreck I'd made of my life, I had no one to blame but myself.

Sophie even allowed Patty to put her to bed, she came over to wish me goodnight in a tiny voice she hadn't used for a long time. I kissed her and told her I was sorry for scaring her. 

She said “it’s ok mommy, Patty said something made you sick, it's not your fault.” 

I told her I was better now and everything was going to be ok, she nodded while clinging on to Patty’s hand. When she came back Patty sat beside me on the couch.

“Do you think she should go back to school tomorrow?”

I wasn't capable of making any decisions at the moment.

“I think that would be best. I could come with you if you like, perhaps you should have a word with the principal, say she's had a scare and ask them to keep an eye on her, you don't have to go into any detail.”

I nodded dumbly. Then something occurred to me.

“Don't you have to go to work?”

“I'm taking a few days, they can manage.”

I slumped into her and her arms wrapped around me as I dissolved into yet more useless tears.

“Don't you ever scare me like that again. I thought you were dead Ellen. I thought you were dead and I was terrified.”

“I’m sorry, I don't know what happened, I just wanted the pain and the worry to go away. I'm not a drunk Patty, I don't have a death wish, I just can't seem to do anything right. She's the only good thing I've managed to do with my life and I’m fucking it up.”

“Ellen, you're not well, everything seems insurmountable at the moment but this is just a setback. Carry on seeing dr Samuels, there's no hurry to get back to work, I can help you.”

“You are helping, I won’t let you support me, we can manage for a couple of months.”

“Why are you so stubborn? Is it so hard to believe I care about you, that I want what's best for you?”

“I'll decide what's best for me Patty.”

“That's been working out really well hasn't it?” she snapped. 

I suppose she had every right but the conversation was deteriorating into old familiar territory. Patty’s seemingly endless need to control me was still there. 

“I'm sorry, she said tightly, that was uncalled for.” 

I was so surprised at the about face I said nothing. Perhaps I was just too weary to argue anymore. Maybe she thought I was too fragile to fight with, or it may have been the fact that I had my head on her shoulder and I didn't want to move that had something to do with it.

“When I saw you in the store that day, I honestly did not know how to react.” 

Her voice had gone quiet and reflective now. I relaxed into her embrace once more.

“I wondered for years how you were, what your child was like, if you were happy, and suddenly there you were, right in front of me. You still look so young to me, do you know that?”

I smiled against her shoulder, I hadn't felt young for years.

“I want to stay in you're life. I want to see you get better and find your own path. I need you to trust my motives. I have no agenda except to see you happy.”

“Is it that simple Patty?”

“It can be, if that's what you want.”

I slept a while I think, safe in her embrace. It’s strange to think of Patty as a safe haven but at that moment she was my anchor. When I woke it was almost ten, I still couldn't face the thought of food but I struggled down a piece of toast and some tea to please her. 

“Go to bed, you'll feel better tomorrow after a good nights sleep.”

By some sort of unspoken mutual consent Patty stayed another night in the old armchair beside my bed. Every time I opened my eyes she was awake, reading peacefully, glasses low, feet tucked up like it was the most normal thing in the world. In the morning she returned to her apartment for a shower and change of clothes before accompanying me on the school run with Sophie.

Patty stayed all week and slept on the couch. We took Sophie to school together in the mornings and Patty picked her up in the afternoon. She took her shopping, they visited galleries and museums and walked the dog. She had decided I needed some time to myself to recover and judging by the amount of time I spent sleeping I couldn’t argue with that. She returned home at the weekend and I went to see Dr Samuels. Sophie was distraught when we left Patty’s but I had to regain my daughters trust by proving we could manage on our own. 

The first couple of weeks were the hardest, not because I was tempted to drink, I wasn't, I was never an alcoholic. Watching my daughter look at me and be aware that she no longer had implicit trust in my ability to care for her hurt me like nothing else ever had. Patty was right, we had to work it out together. I missed her, she called every day and spoke to Sophie, she called back every night at ten on the dot to talk to me. I used to hold my phone and watch the minutes tick by until it rang. I filled my days as productively as possible, the school run, shopping, organising the apartment, doing all those jobs I had ignored for months. I walked everywhere, sometimes for hours, I saw things I'd never noticed before, the next day I'd walk the same route and see different things. The doctor visits continued, Sophie loved the time with Patty and gradually I felt myself feeling lighter, things were less of an effort. The frightened look faded from my daughter’s eyes and by the time school finished for the summer I was looking forward and making plans for the first time in a long time. Three months had passed since that night, it wasn't just about hitting rock bottom it was realising the extent of my problems and at last finding a turning point.

Patty watched with growing satisfaction as gradually I became stronger and more positive. Our conversations veered more towards the future rather than becoming mired in the depths of the past. I relaxed in her company perhaps for the first time ever. I felt like I had been lost for a long time and finally I was finding a way back. Watching Patty and Sophie filled me with warmth, they had filled a gap in each others lives. I had never known Patty to laugh so much. She found huge delight in Sophie’s achievements. She encouraged her, persuaded her to try new things, Sophie developed a little confidence and she openly adored Patty in return. Her face would light up as soon as she opened the door. She would follow her round the apartment like a shadow keeping up a constant stream of questions and chatter as if she had been saving it up all week. More often than not when I returned from the doctors office I would find them engrossed in some activity or other. Drawing, playing cards or on the couch reading a book. Patty with her glasses low down on her nose, Sophie on her lap interrupting with questions which Patty would patiently answer. I'd walk over, kiss them both hello and wait for them to finish before starting on lunch. We began to linger afterwards, we would watch a film or read together. Patty sometimes talked about her current case, probing gently for an opinion or what my approach would be. I felt a little spike of interest. I could never return to work for her what but I felt a familiar stirring of ambition. 

The day we took Sofia to see the new toy story movie I realised just how close our bond had become. We decided to attend a showing on a Saturday afternoon, not wanting to keep Sophie up too late. The cinema was packed with families and excited children. Sophie clutched our hands a little unnerved by the crowd and noise in the darkened theatre. After a brief argument about who was sitting next to who, Patty ended up in the middle clutching a huge bucket of popcorn and distracting Sophie’s nerves by pretending not to share. When the lady in front of us turned round to tell her to shush, Patty shot her a glare the like of which I hadn't seen since our courtroom days. I giggled, Patty poked my side in irritation and we finally settled into our seats. The lights dimmed, music boomed and Patty reached across to reassure Sofia that everything was fine. I could see her little hand clutching onto Patty popcorn forgotten. I leaned in and whispered in Patty’a ear.

“You're so good with her, she adores you.”

Unfortunately this seemed to have an adverse effect on both of us, my lips brushed her ear and I felt her shudder at our close proximity, the scent of her perfume assailed my senses and I inhaled dreamily my nose brushing her neck. She shifted in her seat. I felt my skin grow hot, my cheeks flushed, I was thankful it was too dark for her to see my reaction. Once the movie started Sophie settled and we all became engrossed in the film. Occasionally our hands would brush in the popcorn bucket. Patty slapped mine away playfully, I threw a piece of popcorn at her head.

“For gods sake Ellen behave yourself, there's toddlers in here more mature than you are.” she hissed. 

That started another round of giggles and Patty rolled her eyes in mock annoyance. She looked so good that day, she wore pale grey trousers with a smart, dark grey pinstripe shirt, sunglasses hanging from the neckline. She managed to look cool and elegant at the height of summer. I wilted next to her in faded jeans and a printed T. We left the theatre in high spirits as Sophie babbled on about the adventures of Buzz and Woody and clutched her new Jess doll to her chest. We headed into a small restaurant close to our apartment and indulged her with Pizza and ice cream. By the time we got home she was out on her feet due to the combination of heavy food and over excitement. I quickly bathed her and got her into her pyjamas while Patty made some tea. Sophie climbed onto her lap, nestled herself into her arms and was asleep in minutes as Patty stroked her hair.

“She’s had a great time today Patty.”

“So did I. She replied wistfully. I don't remember doing stuff like this with Michael. I was so caught up with my career, I never realised what I was missing. I always thought there was plenty of time, there isn't Ellen, it goes by so quickly.”

She managed to stand without waking Sophie.

“Can I put her in bed?”

“Sure, take Jess with you, I'll come and kiss her goodnight in a minute.”

Patty headed to settle her in bed while I washed the cups and cleared the pots away. I crept in to see her kissing Sophie’s forehead and wishing her sweet dreams, I squeezed past and did the same. I felt Patty’s hand on my shoulder as we stood close together in the small room.

“Stay tonight” 

It came out in a whisper before I had a chance to stop it. It sounded suggestive and I rushed on to cover the loaded silence.

“I'll have the couch, Sophie would love to have you here in the morning. We could go to the park, we haven't been out much the three of us together,” I trailed off realising I was babbling nervously.

“I've got to get back to Corey, I don't have a change of clothes with me. I can come back in the morning if you like.”

I struggled to keep the disappointment and embarrassment from my voice.

“Of course, I forgot about Corey, sorry, we take up a lot of your time. I'm sure you’ve got things to do tomorrow.”

“Ellen.” She sighed as her eyes searched mine gently. “There’s nowhere else I'd rather be.”

She leaned forward slowly and instead of the usual chaste peck on the cheek she brushed her lips just at the side of my mouth, her hand at my waist. I inhaled sharply suddenly desperate for more but she patted my hip lightly and turned away.

“Goodnight Ellen.” She left.


	6. Six

Patty and Corey stayed around almost all the time in the days after Mom got sick. Patty and mommy took me to school in the mornings and Patty picked me up in the afternoon, we talked a lot. She said mommy was feeling much better but she needed to rest, so after school we did fun stuff together like having ice cream in the park or looking at paintings in a gallery. On Friday she took me shopping for some new clothes and shoes. She let me pick some of the stuff myself. When we got home mommy made dinner while Patty sat on the counter watching. Mommy seemed to be better now, she wasn't sick anymore and only cried a bit at night. She said she would look for another job after the summer break so we could spend lots of time together while I was off school. We would go and visit grandma in Jersey and go out together more. I asked if Patty would be coming too but mommy said that Patty would be at work but maybe we could all go to her beach house one weekend over the summer. I didn’t know Patty had another house so I asked lots of questions about that until she finally told me to talk about something else. I asked her why she was sleeping on our couch when she had two places with beds in but mommy told me to go and tidy my room before she had a chance to answer. When it got round to Saturday we all went back to Patty’s apartment and mommy went to see Dr Samuels while Patty took me to her office to pick up some stuff. She showed me the room where mommy used to work and I got to sit in Patty’s big chair at her desk. I drew a picture of Patty sat in it surrounded by piles of money, she laughed when I showed it to her, and said she would pin it up in the office to remind her clients that she always wins. Mommy was already there when we got back, we had some lunch and then it was time to go home. I didn't want to go back without Patty, what if mommy got sick again and I couldn't wake her up? Why couldn't we all stay together, we were safe with Patty and Corey. I cried, mommy cried and I felt really bad. Patty looked like she was getting angry, she thought crying was for babies and just gave you red eyes, a blocked nose and puffy face to add to whatever made you cry in the first place. She was right, I crawled into her lap and wiped my face on her shirt, she huffed but kissed my head anyway. She walked over to mommy and put me in her arms.

“Ellen take your daughter home, I'll call you tonight.”

They kissed each other on the cheek and we left.

When Patty stayed with us after mom was sick, she sat in the chair by mommy’s bed for two nights and I don't think she slept at all. Mommy got cross about it so after that Patty got a blanket and pillow and she slept on the couch in case mommy got sick again and we needed her to help. The first few nights after she went home I didn't sleep too well, I kept on waking up in the night and I would creep into mommy’s room to make sure she was ok. She was always curled into a little ball in her bed with her arms hugging a pillow. When Patty called to talk to me she always started by asking if I had been to school and I had to tell her something I had learned that day. Then she would ask if mommy had made some dinner and what it was. Lastly she would wish me goodnight and sweet dreams. I said goodnight back and told her I loved her, she would say I love you too before hanging up. I don't think mommy liked me talking to Patty on the phone, she thought Patty was getting me to tell tales but I would never say anything bad about mommy, even when she gave me breakfast cereal for dinner I said we had pasta.

Mom seemed to be in a clearing out mood, she tidied the apartment every day and when she did the laundry she put it straight away into the closets. She fixed things too, the squeaky door and the tap that dripped, even the hinges on my toy box got fixed and I broke them ages ago. Then we started walking everywhere, we would walk to school and on the way home she would try to find a different route so it took longer, somedays we got lost. Once we were so late home I missed Patty’s phone call and when we got back to the apartment Patty was there and she yelled at mommy about not checking her cell. Mommy yelled back and I hid behind the couch. Things got better a little at a time. The apartment looked nicer and mom bought pretty flowers to brighten it up. I always had clean socks and underwear in the right drawers. She started drawing with me and would read to me again when she put me to bed. I would still go to Patty’s place on Saturdays while she talked to the doctor and when mom came back we would have lunch and she would sit down with us to watch a DVD or listen to Patty read me stories. They were my favourite times, it was like families I saw on the tv all sat together laughing and happy with a dog on the floor. I wanted it to be like that all the time. I know Patty makes my mom happy, she smiles a lot and talks more, I wish we could all be together. When school finished for the summer mom took me to visit grandma in Jersey. She gave me lots of cuddles and candy, she told me I've grown and look just like my mom. We had a good time, mom said she was doing great and looking for a new job and Patty was helping. I don't think grandma likes Patty, her face went all tight when mom mentioned her name but mom said it was ok, they were friends now she didn't work for her anymore. Grandma said that woman causes nothing but trouble but that's not right, Patty loves us, I told grandma so but mommy told me to be quiet. 

On Saturday when we came home Patty took us to see Toy story at the movies. I was a bit scared because it was dark and noisy but Patty said it was supposed to be like that and I was just to sit back and enjoy the film. We had the best time, she bought me a Jess doll and we went out for pizza afterwards, but when I woke up in the morning she had gone home. Mom said Patty was a busy lady, she has work and Corey to look after so she can't be with us all the time. I played with Jess while mommy cleaned and then Patty and Corey came by to surprise us and we all went to the park, I played on the swings while mom and Patty sat on a bench watching and talking. Some other kids were there too and we talked as we played. Patty called me back after a while and one of the kids asked if that was my grandma. I said no, my grandma lives in Jersey, so then he asked if I had two moms like he did. I didn't know kids could have two moms. I didn't have time to ask Curtis about it so I asked mom when we were walking back home.

“Mommy that boy at the park, Curtis, he said he's got two moms.”

“Really?” mom sounded as surprised as I was.

“Yeah, he said he's got two moms instead of a mom and dad, he thought Patty was my grandma.”

I looked at Patty and smiled to make sure she was ok, people thought she was my grandma all the time, usually when we go shopping for stuff. I know she doesn't like it, but she just says ’I'm not her grandmother’ then everybody goes quiet like they don't know what to say next and Patty taps her foot, she does that when she's getting mad. I don't want her to get mad now, I want to know how you get to have two moms. We walked for a bit but mom didn't say anymore, I tried again.

“How can he have two moms?”

“Well families can be made up all sorts of ways sweetie.”

“Don't you need a daddy to get a baby though.”

Patty’s eyes went wide, she looked at mom and raised her eyebrows.

“No, well sort of, but.. Can we talk about this when we get home?”

“I know I’ve got a daddy, could I have two mommies instead?”

“Sophie, it doesn't work like that.”

“How does it work then, how did Curtis get to have two moms?”

“I don't know, everybody’s different.”

“Did he start out with two moms or did he have a dad first.”

“Sophie, I don't know about Curtis ok? Let's go home.”

“Patty, do you know?”

“Sophie!” 

Mommy’s voice got loud like it does when it's time to be quiet. I stopped talking and we walked home. Patty ruffled my hair to cheer me up.


	7. Chapter 7

The next morning when Patty surprisingly appeared with Corey and plans for an outing to the park she never referred to that almost kiss in Sophie’s bedroom. On the way home Sophie began to bombard me with questions about same sex parenting I panicked because I just knew what she was leading up to and Patty was staying uncharacteristically tight lipped during the conversation while regarding me with a somewhat incredulous stare. Suddenly I was confused about her role in our lives and realised how attached to her Sophie had become. She left early that day, we were both rather quiet and reflective. Later that night when Sophie was safely tucked up in bed I picked up the phone and called her.

“Is everything ok Patty, you seemed a little preoccupied today.”

“Do you think I'm confusing Sophie by spending so much time with you?”

Patty had obviously been brooding and waiting for my call. 

“Confusing in what way?” I hedged.

“I think you know what I mean Ellen.” Patty snapped, she was having none of my weak attempt at evasion.

“She loves you, it's not surprising she thinks of you as parent material.” I tried to keep it light but my heart beat louder in my chest and my grip on the phone tightened.

“How do you think of me?” 

This was the Patty of old. Her tone was clipped, her voice hard, pushing for answers. I wondered what she wanted to hear, I doubted it was the truth. I decided to tell her anyway, I was done with lying to Patty, I had no desire to start again. I took a deep shuddering breath she must have heard down the line.

“I love you. I think I've been in love with you for a long time.”

The silence rang in my ears, I swallowed hard, I could hear her breathing on the other end.

“Come to the beach house with me for the weekend, I'll pick you up on Thursday night, we can talk about things then.”

I nearly dropped the phone.

“Did you hear what I just said Patty?”

“I may be old but I'm not deaf Ellen, of course I heard you, I don't want to discuss it on the phone. Will you come?”

“Yes, we'll come.”

“Good, that's good. I'll see you Thursday. Goodnight Ellen, sleep well.”

“Night Patty.”

I collapsed back onto the bed, I didn't know wether to laugh or cry.

Patty called twice between Sunday and Thursday to finalise plans for the trip, I tried to steer the conversation but she was adamant she didn't want to discuss things until we were face to face. By the time Thursday arrived I was consumed with nerves and Sophie was beside herself with excitement. She often found visiting new places to be a little overwhelming and liked to have as much information as possible to prepare herself. This meant an extensive and exhausting stream of questions that was frankly not helping my frayed nerves. Patty was working on Thursday so by the time she arrived a little after seven both me and Sophie were wound as tight as springs.

“Everybody ready to go?” Patty was as chipper as always.

Sophie catapulted herself into her arms and started talking a mile a minute which provided enough distraction for Patty and I to barely say hello. We packed the car and set off through the evening traffic. Patty patiently fielded Sophie’s questions constantly for forty minutes then she put on her beloved Etta James cd and lulled by the music and the wheels rolling over the Tarmac finally she fell asleep.

“Have I gone deaf?” Patty joked.

“She's been like that all day long, I'm exhausted.”

“It won't be too long now, why don't you get some sleep.”

“No, I'm ok.” 

Patty’s hand reached out and gripped my thigh I thought she was making some sort of move until I realised I'd been jogging my leg up and down nervously.

“Calm down Ellen, nothing's changed.”

I shot her a smile but didn't reply. To me everything had changed, the ground had shifted and suddenly I didn't know how to be. I did sleep a little and when we arrived at the beach house I didn't have chance to worry about how to be because Sophie woke up fractious and excited at the same time, Patty looked incredibly tired and once we had unloaded the car we all sat in varying states of exhaustion on the large couch in the cosy living area. No one seemed particularly hungry so we drank tea and I gave Sophie some milk before Patty showed her around the house and where her bedroom was. It was a pretty, small room and she was charmed with it. She asked where I was going to sleep and Patty showed her the next room along the hall and I'm right across there she said pointing to the room at the end of the corridor. 

“Now you know where everyone's going to be why don't we get you ready for bed. In the morning you’ll be able to see the ocean and walk on the beach, but right now it's sleep time.”

“Ok Patty, will you be able to hear me if I wake up?”

“Of course, we're all here Sophie, it's just like being at home.”

Appeased, I got Sophie into her pyjamas and told her all the things we would do together in the next few days while she settled herself in bed with Jess. I felt a huge rush of love for my daughter and a little sadness that she she still had so many fears and insecurities to overcome. I knew I was to blame for her reticence and the guilt weighed heavily on my shoulders. Patty came in to kiss her goodnight, Sophie fought off the sandman long enough wrap her in a sleepy embrace. 

 

I refused Patty’s offer of a bourbon, I hadn't touched alcohol in months, I wanted a drink to ease my nerves but I wanted a clear head more. She sat back with her drink and a weary sigh. 

“I think I'll go to bed after this, it's been a long day.” 

I didn't know wether to be relieved or disappointed, she read my expression easily as usual. 

“We will talk Ellen, just not tonight, I need to get some sleep and Sophie is likely to be up with the birds.”

“Sure, there's no hurry.”

Patty sipped her drink quietly, her eyes dark with fatigue she settled back against the cushions and hummed in appreciation as the smoky liquid slipped down her throat. I watched her closely, it was easy to forget that Patty was gone sixty. I never think of her as being any older than when we first met over ten years ago. Although not conventionally beautiful she was nevertheless an extremely attractive woman. Her appearance was immaculate, she kept herself in excellent shape physically. I wondered idly if she had female partners in the past, I wondered what she looked like naked, if she was quiet or vocal, if she liked to be held after making love...

“Ellen? her sharp inquiry shocked me out of my reverie, I felt myself flush.

“Sorry, I was miles away. I think I'll turn in too. Night Patty.”

I stood feeling self conscious and leant in to kiss her cheek, our usual routine on parting company. She said goodnight and I hurriedly made my way to bed.


	8. Chapter 8

The first day of our break at the beach house dawned bright and fair, Sophie was up and insisted on being dressed before seven thirty. She was already anxious to get outside on the first trip to the shore she was old enough to enjoy. Patty sat at the kitchen counter sipping coffee, she managed to calm Sophie long enough to get her to eat a little cereal and fruit while I got dressed. I took a little more time than necessary over my choice of attire. I wanted Patty to see me differently, maybe drop a not so subtle hint about what she was missing. When I self consciously emerged wearing a short floral wrap skirt with a black tank and sandals Patty’s slightly stunned expression was more than gratifying. I smiled at her much more serenely than I felt. Sophie grabbed each of our hands and pulled us out of the house, we walked down over scrubby grass covered dunes onto a virtually deserted stretch of beach. It was still early and the day hadn't warmed up yet, I shivered in the salty air. Patty smirked.

“Chilly?” she quirked an eyebrow and looked amused, I tried not to scowl.

“No, I'm fine.”

Sophie had already scampered away and kicked off her sandals to run along the edge of the surf, she squealed at the cold against her legs and laughed aloud in a completely carefree manner I'd seldom seen. We walked along in companionable silence for a few minutes. Gulls screamed over head, puffy white clouds rolled by, it was idyllic. I took Patty’s hand as we walked along, I felt her tense but she allowed it, I kicked off my own shoes and carried them in my other hand. I tugged her closer to me, she dropped a kiss on my bare shoulder as we walked. I entwined our fingers and tightened my grip. There was nothing on earth I would have traded for this moment. Sophie ran back to us. We moved apart and wandered the beach collecting shells and bits and pieces, we found a spot on the dunes and sat down. Patty and Sophie began sorting shells and making some sort of collage out of them and some bits of driftwood we found. It was amazing watching them work more or less in silence but perfectly in tune to what they wanted to create. My daughter has an artistic nature she had certainly not inherited from me. Her pictures are very detailed for a young child and she sees shape and beauty in the mundane things that surround her. Together they made a rough frame from the wood and a picture of a gull emerged within it from the shells and stones we collected. Patty smiled in satisfaction, praising Sophie’s creativity. My baby basked in it and practically glowed with joy. I snapped a picture of the scene with my cell. They decided to leave it where it was to surprise other people with and we moved on. Sophie picking things up that sparked her interest which Patty deposited in her oversized bag. We moved off the beach after a while in search of coffee, Patty bought a paper and we sat outside and watching passers by and chatting between ourselves. We strolled back to the house for some lunch, it was warm now but not uncomfortably so. After we ate, Sophie worn out from over exerting herself this morning napped on the couch while I settled with my feet up under the cover of the porch in a hammock like swing reading a book with a cold glass of lemonade. Patty curled up in a chair opposite with a sketchbook and pencil, I must have dozed off, when I woke I could hear my two companions discussing the drawings at the dining table. I couldn't believe the accuracy of Patty’s sketches. One from memory of Sophie on the beach this morning and one she had sat and done of me lay on the swing reading, all soft lines and blurred edges. I was incredibly touched by them.

“I had no idea you were so talented.” They were really good to my eye.

“I used to enjoy it, a long time ago.”

“You're full of surprises aren't you?” I teased gently.

“Ellen, you have no idea.” she whispered back as she swayed towards the kitchen leaving me flushed and speechless while Sophie sat oblivious at the table. The rest of the day passed quietly. Patty took a chair down onto the beach and we sat and kept a wary eye on Sophie constructing a model of the beach house from sand and stones. I wandered in and out, I read some more, prepared vegetables for dinner, played with Sophie or just sat on a blanket at Patty’s feet leaning against her legs, occasionally she would stroke my shoulder with gentle hands while instructing my daughter on how best to build her house. For Sophie I think it was the perfect day.

I took her inside to bathe her before dinner, she had a little colour from a day spent outdoors. She was so animated, so happy, I felt a pang of guilt. I wondered if she would have grown more confident and secure with the attention of two adults, perhaps I should have tried harder with Chris, perhaps if I wasn't so consumed with my own problems I would have been more able to see hers developing and ease the path for her. When we got back to Patty she sensed my mood.

“Everything ok?” 

“Sure, we've had a great day"

“She's fine Ellen, she's a bright sensitive girl, she's finding her way.”

I made dinner and bickered happily with Patty for whom food is a means to an end and not something to spend much time over.  
’Put it in the oven, what else is it going to do but cook?’ was the extent of her recipe advice. We ate and cleared away before a couple of animated games of snakes and ladders took us towards Sophie’s bedtime. She sat in Patty’s lap for a long time making plans for the next day, growing sleepy in her arms with her head under Patty’s chin. Gently I lifted her and carried her to bed. I changed into some pyjamas pants and top before padding back to join Patty on the couch. She had made tea, I was grateful she had avoided the lure of alcohol. We sat bodies angled inwards against the cushions facing each other.

“This was a good idea, the change of scene has been good for her.”

Talking about Sofia was our safe ground. Patty hummed in agreement, she sat up straighter and held my gaze, my stomach fluttered nervously and suddenly I didn't really want to talk about what we were doing or where we were going. We'd had a good day, we had been close, affectionate, loving almost. Why try to dissect it, like Sophie we were finding our own way. 

“Let's leave things as they are Ellen, I’m happy being close to you, having a place in your life.”

I had been dreading and expecting this line of argument because I didn't really have an answer to it. It was working, we were all happy enough with the way things were. Why potentially ruin everything in pursuing a relationship that with our history, background and personalities would be incredibly unlikely to survive past the initial explosion of pent up tension. Then what? Where would we go if we failed, if Sophie lost another adult she had grown to love. Who or what would I find in my life that inspired and intrigued me the way this woman did. 

“I could not stand to be without you now. I can't let you go again, I have a place in your lives, one we all understand. I can remain your friend, I can support you and help you in any way I can. I care so much for you, for both of you, far too much to risk it on the chance of something more than that.... realistically, it’s madness.”

Her grip on my hand was soft, her tone was regretful and hopeful at the same time. My heart lurched, I knew she was right, it made perfect sense. I knew she was lying.

“I want to try, I love you. I’ve loved you for a long time. We wouldn't have worked before but the timing is right now.”

“I'm sixty years old Ellen, the timing is ridiculous. if I was ten years younger things may be different. I can't hope to keep you, you're so young still. You think you know what you want but when you get it, it's never enough for you.”

“I'm not a child, I've travelled a long way in the last ten years. I'm not the same girl who worked for you. Maybe I've never settled for anything or been satisfied with anyone because they weren't you. It's been you for years I just didn't know until I ran into you that day.”

“What's wrong with what we have now?”

“Nothing, what we have now is beautiful but it's not enough. You know me, I want it all.” 

That gained me an ironic smile and took us both back to a time when fighting was what we did best and all we knew. She looked away, her jaw tightened and something I couldn't read flitted across her face. 

“You want it all? You want this old woman who has never maintained a relationship in her life, not even with her own son. I don't know how to put somebody else first, it would finish me to lose you, it would kill me to hurt Sophie.”

“You would never hurt her, and whatever happens between us I would never stop you spending time together. She would never forgive me. She adores you. I know you had a good day today, there could be hundreds more like it. A family Patty, another chance of a family.” she let out a sigh and looked away.

“you've had a difficult few months, you've been ill, I've been here. It's understandable your feelings are confused...”

“Confused? Are you kidding me?” My temper flared white hot, my voice rose and the words came out strangled and hoarse.

“I'm sitting here putting everything on the line and you think it's some sort of misplaced gratitude. Have you been listening to me? I've felt this way for years, all those years we spent tearing holes out of one another only to keep coming back for more. It was there then, you know it was and it's still there now.” 

I was losing control and getting frustrated I leaned forward, she settled back losing herself in the past once more.

“You always were my Achilles heel, I tried to ignore it, I tried to let you go. I thought once you had the baby you'd move on and make a life for yourself. But when I saw you that day, you looked like a ghost, and I rued the day I ever met you. I ruined you Ellen, you could have been anything you wanted. You really could have had it all.”

“I still can, I know you want me, admit it, you've wanted me for years. Has there been other women? I bet there has, other women you've been with and you wouldn't keep around because they were never me.”

“Stop it.” her voice cracked like a whip. 

I thought I wasn’t too far off the mark with that observation. I knew I was fighting dirty but I was Patty’s girl. If you're in a battle you do whatever it takes to win, nothing is off limits, no blow too low. It was dangerous to taunt her or bait her even now, despite our closeness. It was like poking a hornets nest or sticking your head in a lions mouth. It took an amazing amount of courage, arrogance or stupidity. I suppose I had all three. She gathered herself, determined not to go toe to toe. Her eyes went soft, her voice low once more.

“I used to look for you, you know. These past few years since you had Sophie. I would scan the streets for you when I was walking. Every meeting, every law office, every party, every damn day I looked for you. Now you're back, I'm part of your life and I'm happy Ellen, this is me being happy. I won't risk it, I can't.”

That confession stopped me in my tracks. The thought of Patty who strode the world as if she owned it wandering the city looking for my face in every crowd literally made my heart ache. I touched her face with my hand, cupping her cheek, rubbing my thumb across her jawline. Her eyes closed but she stayed still. Then I experienced one of those rare moments when the words that come out of your mouth strike a perfect chord with the person they are directed at.

“What would you have done if you had found me? I'm in front of you right now, what would you have done?”

Then we were kissing, I don't know who moved where or who instigated it because I was lost for a couple of seconds, just lost in the sensation and feel of it. It was soft, that’s what I remember, so soft after a lifetime of kissing men. Her lips, the skin of her face, her hair, everything was soft but so sensual. I moved myself closer, needing to touch her, my hand slid down from her cheek to stroke her neck while both of hers came up to cradle my face, after a few moments she broke away and rested her forehead on my shoulder. I stood up and took her hand walking towards her room. I hardly dared breathe let alone speak sensing one wrong word or move would result in her changing her mind and turning away. 

We made it to the bedroom and took up where we left off on the couch. The kisses were more intense, her hands snuck under my top stroking my sides making me shudder against her, my arms tightened around her waist and I moved her backwards until we hit the bed. The room was dark and shadowy, the mood had a dreamlike quality to it. The only sounds were increasingly heavy breaths and quiet moans. I took off my top and removed her shirt and bra, she lay over me and slowly lowered her body on to mine kissing me deeply. Several things became apparent during the next couple of hours. Firstly Patty had obviously done this before. A lot. Nobody's natural instincts are that accurate. Her touch was too sure, the pressure exactly right. The way she moved her body against mine spoke of experience and expertise. she was good too, of course she was, it was Patty after all. She loved me with a tenderness I hadn't expected and a passion that left me gasping and breathless. Secondly her body was astonishing, supple, toned and surprisingly strong. She wrapped her legs around my hips while my fingers moved inside her, gently she directed my hands and set the pace before in a moment of blissful triumph I had never felt before she tightened around my fingers, her hips rose from the bed and she locked herself against me for long moments before collapsing back and stilling my hand with her own. I remained inside her while I kissed her mouth and neck moving down to her breasts until she began to shift her hips again, this time with less control and a more desperate cadence. My wrist ached from the angle, muscles burned across my shoulders as I thrust deeper and harder and she matched me stroke for stroke, our eyes locked together, and then suddenly she was crying out and her nails scored down my back. I straddled her thigh and rocked against it desperately before tipping into my own orgasm following on the tail of hers. I crashed against the mattress spent and sweaty and we lay side by side sucking in air, gasping and staring up at the ceiling. Uncertain for the first time my hand reached out for contact, thankfully she grasped it with hers and brought it to her lips kissing my fingers.

“Jesus.” I muttered still breathless, she chuckled softly at my side and turned towards me, she smiled in the dark, her eyes gleamed. She read my mind with that uncanny accuracy she has had for years.

“you were right, they were never you.” she brushed hair from my face and traced my lips with her fingers. I pulled her body against my side, she felt small and delicate, I closed my eyes feeling completely at peace.

“You can't sleep here, Sophie may wake and go to your room.”

I groaned, but she was right and I was touched at her concern, I didn't want to move and break the spell, I wondered how things would be in the morning. 

Surprisingly Sofia slept through the night and when I wandered into the kitchen just after seven Patty was stood at the counter sipping her coffee, she looked up at me and smiled.

“Good morning, did you sleep well?” 

I ventured a quick look around to check for Sophie’s absence and slipped an arm round her pulling her to me for a gentle kiss on the mouth. I wanted to be clear, there was no going back, no return to chaste pecks on the cheek. Briefly she relaxed into me, her hands on my shoulders, her body warm against mine. 

“We have to be careful around Sophie, I don't want her to get ahead of things. You have to be completely sure Ellen. Absolutely certain that this is what you want for yourself and for her.”

“You’re right, I don't want to confuse her, I am sure about this, but she's been through so much, so many changes. Let's just go slowly.”

“I like slowly.” Patty drawled. remembering last nights actions I felt myself flush, Sophie suddenly appeared in the doorway.

“Are we going to see the boats soon?”

“Right after you eat some breakfast.” 

Patty smoothly moved away and fetched bowls down from the cupboard. Sophie ate some cereal and even some toast before I got her ready for our short drive out to the harbour area. It was pretty there but busier than I expected. Patty took Sophie to walk along the port-side looking at the moored boats, I decided on a little retail therapy and headed for the rather upscale looking boutiques I spotted on the drive in. We agreed to meet in an hour. Sophie left pulling impatiently on Patty’s hand not even sparing me a backward glance. Happiness flared in my chest, we seemed to be moving forward at last.

We returned to the beach house in the late afternoon. Sophie was tired after a day walking and shopping. Patty found an art supply shop with a small gallery attached and bought some things for her. They admired the paintings and sketches while Patty explained some of the techniques on display. Sophie was entranced, she listened carefully and looked wide eyed at the pictures. I wondered about my maternal instincts, about my ability to spot and encourage my daughters talents, she was so engaged and happy, stepping out of her shell for the first time in her life. It was beautiful to see, I had to do better, try harder for her. I wondered where it all went wrong for Patty with Michael. We were both getting another chance. 

Back at the beach house Sophie helped haul the bags out of the car anxious to use her new paints and brushes. I set her up at the table out on the porch and watched as Patty helped her recreate an approximate version of what they saw at the harbour earlier in the day. Sophie had more paint on herself than on the picture but they finished it complete with boats, sunshine, clouds and the three of us holding hands. I pronounced it a masterpiece and they left it out on the table to dry while we went inside for dinner. Once we cleared everything away we all settled in a happy tired pile on the couch to watch Patty’s favourite Disney movie which was unaccountably Dumbo, worse still she knew the songs. Sophie and I giggled happily, Patty pressed a kiss on my head, eventually Sophie dropped off to sleep on my lap and I carried her to bed. When I returned to the couch I kissed Patty with all the fervour and intent I'd been feeling all day.

“I'm watching this” she objected.

“You'd rather watch dumbo than take me to bed?”

“Its a great film. There's fifteen minutes left, exercise some self control.”

I licked the shell of her ear, she moaned, we went to bed. I undressed slowly in front of her enjoying the gleam of anticipation in her eyes. She reached for me from the bed and began a slow exploration of my body that left me trembling with need. She was determined to make me wait, I was ready to beg when she finally entered me as I was straddled across her hips. I rose and fell on her fingers while she watched from underneath me with a slight smile on her face and a fierce look of possession in her eyes. I leaned forwards onto her chest urging her deeper as I pushed back into her. I felt my orgasm approaching and clutched her shoulder with one hand and the headboard with the other, I was completely lost in the moment. The heel of her hand mashed hard against my clit and with a low moaning growl I came, hard, collapsing onto her as thunder roared in my ears.  
“Oh Christ, that was amazing..what the hell..?”

“That’s a storm you idiot.” her voice was laced in amusement. Alarm cut through my sex fogged brain.

“Shit, Sophie.” 

I flew off the bed and struggled into my t shirt catching my foot in the cover that had slid to the floor. Patty snorted from the bed. I just got through the door as Sophie, as white as a ghost was heading down the hall. Storms were one of her worst fears, I was surprised she was holding herself together so well. I gathered her up and tried to settle her back into bed when an almighty crash made us both jump and then the tears came. Lightening flashed again followed by a huge clap of thunder. She clung to me in terror. Patty appeared in the doorway as calm as could be, she took one look at Sophie and scooped her up in her arms cradling her against her chest. 

“Come on” she glanced at me raising her eyebrows silently asking for approval. I nodded and smiled. 

LIt's the only way we’re getting anymore sleep tonight.” she put my daughter in the bed we had been rolling around in fifteen minutes before. I could still smell the scent of our arousal, she wrapped Sophie up in her arms whispering reassuringly. I slipped in on the other side. She leant over and kissed my cheek. I smiled in the dark, it felt right, we could do this.

Before we set off for home all three of us took a final walk along the beach in the fresh morning air, Sophie rushed ahead still collecting shells, the previous nights storm a distant memory. Patty and I walked slowly, I held her hand wondering why I felt the need to do it but not really caring. We talked about how to proceed once we returned to the city, about my continued search for suitable work, about my daughters slightly developing confidence. I saw Sophie look back at us as we were laughing, she smiled happily. When it was time to leave Sophie became upset despite Patty’s promises to come back soon. I thought it was the impending separation of our fledging little family unit that was the real problem and once we got home and Patty left the truth of that became apparent. She pined, fretted and sulked in that order. She asked me why Chris left, why Patty had seemingly abandoned us. A new school year was about to start and all her old fears came rushing back to haunt her. I tried to encourage her and soothe her worries without resorting to the impatience I had shown in her insecurities in the past. 

On the Saturday before Sophie returned to school I went for my weekly appointment with Dr Samuels while Patty spent the morning shopping with Sophie. They returned with two pairs of hideously expensive shoes that my daughter managed to talk Patty into purchasing. When I got back Patty looked a bit frazzled and muttered darkly about shopping genes and the power of advertising on school age children. I kissed her while Sophie was in the bathroom.

“Stop trying to distract me. Those shoes cost me a small fortune, I hope Shauna Phillips is suitably impressed.” 

Patty wore the same smug expression she had when she got one over on corporate America.

“Sofia can be pretty persuasive when she wants to be.”

“I wonder where she gets that from.” 

We stepped apart when Sophie returned from the bathroom, we hadn't spent a night together since the beach house two weeks ago, I'd barely seen Patty since then and I was feeling the wrench of separation as badly as my daughter. This wasn't going to be easy and we had yet to work out how we were going to move our relationship forward. We both accompanied Sophie to the school gates on the first day of a new term. She hung on to my hand as long as possible before I watched sadly as she made her way through groups of excited children getting reacquainted after the holidays. She kept her eyes on the floor until she reached the school steps and sat down, a tiny solitary figure. She hugged her knees and sought out Patty’s gaze across the sea of bodies giving her a tremulous smile. After a few moments a little boy of her age I didn't recognise sat down next to her. He must be a new kid I decided, he was small and skinny with flaming red hair. He spoke to Sophie, she answered him back and he scooted closer. When the bell rang she took his hand and with a shy little wave in our direction, she led him into the building.

“Fast cat” 

Patty muttered, her eyes looked a little teary but she smiled and seemed pleased. I took her arm as we walked away heading back to my apartment. Patty was going in to work, I was starting a new job in two days time.

“It's not going to be easy Ellen. Nothing worth having ever is.”

I sighed, I wanted to take Patty to bed and lose myself in her. I was fraught about returning to work, I had no idea how we were all going to fit together. I held her to me tightly, she seemed to understand.

“I've got to go, I'll call tonight to hear all about Sophie’s first day, but I won't see you until weekend. You need some space to prepare yourself for work. It's a big step, you're ready for it.”

“Don't back away from us Patty, please.”

I had been leaning on Patty hard for months now, the last thing I wanted was for her to think her job was done and retreat into the background. Yes I had badly needed her support but that was secondary to the fact that I loved her.

“I'm not. Call anytime you want to. We have the weekend, come over on Friday night and stay until Sunday, I'd like that.”

“I'd like that too, it seems a long time away...” I let my voice trail off and gave her a hopeful look. She squashed it immediately.

“It's four days Ellen, I've waited for years, I'm sure you can manage.” With a sardonic smile and a swift kiss she was gone.


	9. Chapter 9

We had such a good time at Patty’s beach house I cried when it was time to go home. We were all together everyday. Mom and Patty cooked all the meals and argued in the kitchen all the time. Not shouting or yelling arguments, it was more like they were teasing and joking. Mom said Patty has no idea how to cook and lives on sandwiches and take out. Patty said that isn't true and she can warm up a can of soup as well as anybody. Mom would roll her eyes and decide what she was cooking, then Patty would interfere until mom got mad enough to tell her to get out of the kitchen and sit down. Patty would smirk and wink at me because I knew she didn't want to be in the kitchen anyway. It was our job to set the table and load the dishwasher when we had finished.

We stayed there for three days. We walked on the beach every day, we didn't go right in the water but it was ok to paddle and splash at the edge to collect shells and driftwood. I drew pictures of them or put them into patterns in the sand. Patty says I'm really good at stuff like that. She can draw really well, she drew a sketch of mom sitting on the deck swing reading a book and one of me playing in the sand with my shells. Mom said they were beautiful and we would frame them when we got home. Patty said she hadn't sketched for years, she could have studied art at college but then decided she wanted to help people and make zillions of dollars by being a lawyer instead. 

The beach house was big and cosy at the same time. There weren't many others close by so there was hardly any people around. Patty said most families had already packed up for the summer and she liked it quiet. She said she sometimes comes here when she's tired and wants to think things over but it was nicer being here with mommy and me. At night we played games or cards and the last night we all cuddled up on the couch and watched a DVD about an elephant. I sat on moms lap and mom lay back on Patty, I worried she was getting crushed but she said she was really comfortable, she kissed mommy on the side of the head, and ruffled my hair. I fell asleep there and I suppose mom put me to bed because a big storm woke me up. There was a big flash of lightening and then the loudest clap of thunder I ever heard. I jumped out of bed. I hate storms, thunder is the scariest thing I know. I didn't cry though I'm getting big now and Patty says its ok to be scared but crying doesn't help, because you get too upset to think about things properly. She's right, she says if I'm scared in the night I should just go to moms room and wake her up. I grabbed Jess and ran to mom’s room just as thunder boomed round the house again, then the door to Patty’s room opened and mom came out of there.

“I was just coming to check on you baby, did the storm wake you?”

I nodded, I could hear rain battering against the windows too. She picked me up, she only had on a t-shirt instead of her pyjamas and tried to carry me back to bed but I started to cry and didn't want her to leave me it was too scary. She said she would stay with me. I asked her if Patty had woke up scared of the storm too because she was in her room. Mom said Patty wasn't scared of anything and she was fine. Then there was a big crashing noise, even mommy looked scared and Patty came into my room too. She said it was alright, the storm has brought some fencing down and it had blown against the house, there was no need to worry and we should try to go back to sleep because we were going home tomorrow. But it was noisy, lightening was still flashing and the thunder came again, I looked at Patty, she wasn't scared, she was safe and strong.  
She picked me up and she walked us back to her room and put me in her bed. She got in and held me close to her.

“You don't have to be afraid Sophie, go to sleep now, the storm won't hurt you.”

“Can I get in too?” 

Mom didn't wait for an answer, she just slid in the other side so I was in the middle and we were all squashed up together. Patty groaned but I don't think she was mad, she leaned over me and kissed Mom goodnight. 

Patty was right, in the morning the sun was shining and everything was fine except for the broken fence which didn't look scary at all in the daytime. We all took a last walk along the beach, I broke away to get some more shells before we drove home when I looked back mom and Patty were holding hands while they walked, mom was laughing at something Patty said and I knew something was different, I felt happy and warm inside.

But when we got home everything went back to the way it was. Patty had to go back to work and it was just me and mom again. I missed Patty, I was starting back at school in a week and I was worried about that. Mom knew I was unhappy. When she asked me what was wrong I got angry with her. I asked why we didn't have a proper family. Why did my daddy go away. Why didn't Patty stay with us. Why was it just mommy and me. I try to be good and quiet and not so scared of everything but people keep leaving. Mom said it wasn't my fault and gave me a cuddle. She gets upset when I cry so I tried to stop. I don't want her to think she's a bad mommy and get sick again. 

Mom got a new job something to do with contracts and property, I didn't really understand. She said she could fit the work around my school hours and the money was good. Patty said it sounded like the most boring job in the universe, but she was smiling when she said it and gave mom a hug saying she was proud of her anyway. Mom got some smart new clothes and shoes and wore make up to work. She had her hair all straight and shiny again. She said she was starting to feel like she was herself again after a long time. School wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, my new teacher is nice and I have a friend to play with now. It's my sixth birthday on saturday, mom says Patty has planned a surprise for me, I don't like surprises, I like to know what’s going to happen but Patty says life is full of surprises and I should get used to it.


	10. Chapter 10

When I picked up Sophie up from school that afternoon it seemed she and ’Kevin’ had quickly become attached at the hip. I smiled over at who I assumed was his mom. The fiery red hair was a bit of a giveaway.

“See you tomorrow Sophie.” he said in a shy voice with all the seriousness a six year old could muster.

“I'll wait on the steps.” my little girl wore the same smile usually reserved for me or Patty. 

She skipped by my side on the way home, a sure sign she was happy. 

When I began my new job two days later I felt like Sophie on her first day of school. I was the new girl, the outcast who had gained a position through her connections rather than her ability. An old colleague from Nyes put a word in for me with his father who’s firm specialised in property law. I had little experience in that area but was more than willing to learn. I could work school hours from the office, but the majority of the work which was admittedly tedious and laborious could be done from my laptop at home. The lines of property law are clear and distinct. There are protocols and a framework to work within. Not like the free for all that was working for Patty where the rules were hazy and not getting caught breaking them was a major strategy. It was a new direction for me and I was determined to make a success of it.

Patty was right to stay away, I was playing catch up from the minute I walked through the doors. I was bombarded with files, textbooks, client lists and contact numbers. By the time it got to Friday my brain felt ready to explode. But it was a good feeling. Even the morning rush of getting Sophie to school before heading onto the subway into the city had ignited a sense of pride and purpose I had been missing for too long. I spoke to Patty nightly talking endlessly about my day and the people I was working with before asking about hers. I felt more of an equal having something other than Sophie and my despondency to talk about. When we arrived at Patty’s on Friday night, we had overnight bags and enough conversation to last the weekend. She listened patiently, she asked pointed questions and seemed happy with my responses. Sophie chattered away about Kevin and Patty paid equal attention to hearing about Sophie’s first school friend who was really smart, loved baseball, and wanted to be a doctor when he grew up. By eight Sophie was falling asleep where she stood and she let me take her to bed without protest. Once she was settled in Michaels old room which had been neutrally redecorated, I returned to the lounge where Patty sat with a drink in her hand and a smile on her face.

“Well you two have had a busy week. It's good to see the light back in your eyes. Don't overdo things, give yourself some time. I know you will make a success of this if it's what you want.”

“I don't want the others to think I'm spinning my wheels here, I've got to prove myself....”

“And you will, I'll give it a month before you're running rings round everyone.”

I smiled in gratitude at her support and obvious pride in my progress. 

“Sophie seems very taken with Kevin, I told you she’d find her feet in her own time.”

“Kevin this, Kevin that, I'm not kidding Patty, she doesn't complete a sentence anymore without his name in it.”

Patty chuckled, “I think we should invite him over for dinner and ask him just what his intentions are to our d...” she caught herself and sighed. “I'm sorry.”

“What on earth for? Let's face it Patty these past six months you've been more of a parent to her than I have.”

“I'll never win any parenting awards Ellen, she looked away and her expression closed. I don't want to overstep.”

“You're not overstepping, you've been here for Sophie through everything. I'll never forget it and neither will she. She adores you, so do I.” I finished quietly. 

She leant over and kissed me gently, I had already forgotten how good that felt. All the information that had been buzzing in my brain for days just dissolved with that kiss. Quickly it turned heated and I kicked myself for rambling endlessly on about work and Sophie because Patty had obviously been missing our closeness as much as I had and judging by the way one hand was gripping the back of my neck and the other was inching its way up my thigh her patience had been stretched very thin. She caught herself and slowed the pace, kissing me languidly and thoroughly. We broke apart and stared at each other.

“Take me to bed.”

Patty said nothing but stood up, took my hand and led the way. She spoke to me softly as we undressed one another stopping frequently to kiss and stroke. She had no reticence about displaying herself, she worked hard to keep in shape and it showed. She played my body like a maestro that night, maybe she had spent all week thinking of ways to drive me crazy, maybe she was just showing off. I don't know but it was the most intense, satisfying sex of my life and she kept at it for hours. I was so aroused by the kissing and fondling at the beginning I was dripping wet when her nimble fingers first touched my sex, I barely held off coming with the first touch on my clit. She knew of course, she loomed over me, her breasts brushing deliciously against mine, her eyes half closed.

“Ellen,” she drew my name out, her mouth close to my ear, her breath was hot and wet. “you're so close aren't you, should I go inside?” she circled my entrance with a single finger slowly, “or should I just touch you here?” she stroked the pad of a finger over my clit idly, barely with hardly any pressure and no rhythm, I was making noises I didn't even recognise.

“Please Patty, just please make me...” I was begging and babbling, my voice rose an octave before she rubbed my clit firmly covering my whole body with her own and I came with an embarrassing gush of moisture while she pressed herself against me and hummed in appreciation. 

“You're self control needs a little work, I hope your stamina is better because it's going to be a long, long night for you.”

She kissed me deeply while her hand spread the moisture around, coating my thighs, moving her hand between my legs, scratching me with short finger nails. I gasped and whimpered beneath her. She restarted the kissing moving from my mouth, to my jaw and neck, along my shoulders before returning to my lips. I wanted to touch her but she gently moved my hands back to her waist or around her neck. I don't know how long we spent like that, it may have been minutes or hours, it was hypnotic, she was determined to get me lost and it was working. She was more than halfway down my body before I realised. She threw the cover off our heated bodies and eased my legs wide open drawing my knees up, exposing me completely to her wicked greedy mouth. She licked, nibbled and sucked at my sticky thighs, never biting, not wanting a sharp sensation to disturb me from the trancelike state she had induced. The only sounds were her drawing breaths and lips smacking softly against my skin. I moaned attempting to shift her head or my body to where I needed it. She used one hand to clamp down my hips and the other to press my hand into the mattress. I felt her smile against my stomach as she nibbled her way to my hipbone and then downwards once more. My senses were so heightened I could feel every swipe of her tongue as it trailed and swirled around each crease and fold of my sex. She used her shoulders to push my legs wider and delved her tongue into me, feasting with her lips and tongue. I gave myself up to it completely. My neck arched back and my hips rose chasing her mouth when she lessened her assault. Every so often her tongue would swipe over my swollen clit and I gripped the sheets and writhed in an ecstasy that was close to painful. Speech was a forgotten faculty as I dredged in ragged lungfuls of air and clung on. Finally, when she decided I could take no more she took my clit between her lips and massaged it, sucking it in and out of her mouth. I virtually exploded beneath her, I think I actually screamed the release that tightened every muscle and nerve in my body. Quickly she scooted up my body wedging a thigh against my centre and clamping her hands to my backside as I rode it out and we rolled across the bed. When we stilled she was back on top, propped up on an elbow and wiping off her face smiling, her eyes gleamed in the dark, she was having the time of her life. I wondered if I'd survive the night.

“Rest a while.” she kissed my neck inhaling my scent, an indecent mixture of sweat and the musty smell of sex. 

I may have drifted off I really don't know. I opened my eyes to see a tangled blond head whose lips were fixed on one straining nipple while her fingers tormented the other. I stirred and she looked up at me, I wound my fingers into her hair and urged her on, I was no quitter, i thought i was getting my second wind. She gave a low throaty chuckle and returned to her task. She got a little rough for the first time, she bit the side of my breast hard enough for me to cry out, then she licked the spot tenderly and stroked her hand down my cheek in apology. The fingernails of that same hand then scored down my side scratching and marking my skin, I gasped and moaned loudly, again she soothed me by trailing her lips down the marks. My body tensed waiting for the next assault that may or may not come. My nipples ached and throbbed and I began to feel an answering tug between legs. She gave me a hard pinch on the inside of my thigh and my hips lifted searching once agin for the relief of her fingers. She pulled me close and rolled us so I was on top. She kissed me roughly biting my lip and lightly scratching down the raised tendons of my neck. She put both hands on my chest and pushed me back. I got the idea and sat up straddling her hips. I ground down she rose her pelvis to meet me. She gripped my waist and rubbed herself into me, we found a rhythm and she tensed against me with a low groan of satisfaction. I leant forward as she sat up to kiss once more I wrapped my arms round her neck and she sneaked a hand between us, two fingers slipped in easily, I began to rise and fall onto them.

“Slowly.” she breathed warningly curling her fingers and massaging me inside. 

“I want to feel you come while I'm inside you. I want to watch.”

I gulped and nodded leaning back with my hands on her thighs for support as I continued to move. She added another finger never taking her eyes off me and drew herself forwards pushing into me harder. Her fingers curled upwards finding my spot and rubbing. I shortened my strokes feeling my orgasm start to coil and build in the pit of my stomach. She continued to rub as I ground down, my finger nails digging into her shoulder. I could feel it rising like a giant wave, gathering strength threatening to overwhelm me.

“Jesus Patty,” I sobbed, her insistent fingers continuing to rub, her palm pushing against my clit.

“It's alright, she answered as calmly as if we were out walking, just relax and go with it.”

Relax? She had to be kidding me, I felt like I was going to explode. With one last thrust impossibly deeper I felt my walls start to contract. I arched backwards bowing my spine as it washed right through every cell. She kept up an insistent rubbing inside me throughout, never losing her rhythm as I almost came to pieces above her. Her other hand had a bruising grip on my hip.

Patty’s voice was a raspy whisper. “Amazing” she said triumphantly. 

I pulsed against her fingers, she flexed and stretched them, the orgasm was still rippling through my system, it went on and on as I trembled, shook and moaned. I fell against her, I felt heavy and boneless as I crushed her to the bed. I could barely move, I wept on her shoulder as she murmured in my ear, her arms held me gently as we drifted off to sleep. When I woke again it was light, Patty’s side of the bed was cold and empty. I looked at the clock, it was eight fifteen, I groaned, it was Saturday, I was seeing Dr Samuels at ten. I struggled out of bed hoping Sophie hadn't come looking for me. I caught sight of myself in the   
closet mirror and gaped. I had bite marks, scratches, and wild bed hair. I looked exactly as I felt. Thoroughly fucked. My legs ached, my thigh muscles burned, my sex was raw and sore. I badly needed a shower and I wandered gratefully into the bathroom. I felt marginally better once I was clean and dressed. Thankfully my clothes covered the worst of last nights excesses, some small feint bruises around my wrist, and a satisfied gleam in my eyes were the only visible clues. I descended the stairs and walked into the kitchen hopefully disguising my slight stiffness of movement, where Sophie was sat at the counter eating breakfast while Patty read her the interesting bits from the paper as she sipped her coffee.

“Morning Ellen, sleep well?” she inquired with a mischievous smirk.

“Wonderfully, I'm running a little late though, what are you two going to do this morning?” 

I kissed Sofia and ruffled her hair.

“Patty’s telling me about the banking scandal.” she said wide eyed.

“Really?”

“Uh huh, there's no money left. Bad men have been stealing it.”

“Patty, I don't think this is an appropriate breakfast conversation for a five year old.”

“I'm almost six.” Sofia piped up, smiling innocently. 

The tilt of the head she gave me made her look unnervingly like Patty.

“You're never too young to learn about corruption Ellen. If Sophie ever finishes the last of her fruit and yoghurt were going to the dinosaur exhibit at the Museum.”

“Pterodactyls mom” Sophie intoned carefully.

“Excellent pronunciation.” Patty praised her sweetly, my baby lit up like a Christmas tree.

“Wow, I thought that had been sold out for weeks..”

Patty shifted uncomfortably, “well someone owed me a favour...”

“Pot and kettle.....” 

“It’s hardly the same thing”  
“Hmmm...I've got to go, have fun you two.” 

I kissed Sofia and received a quick hug in return, I kissed Patty’s cheek, she put her hand on my arm to halt me.

“Are you alright? She asked quietly, searching my face.”

“I feel great.” I kissed her again, enjoying seeing her expression lighten, I looked back at Sophie who was watching us closely.

“Be good for Patty.” I hurried out the door.


	11. Chapter 11

For my sixth birthday Patty took me to an arts class at the gallery. It was designed for young kids and we spent two hours painting and making shapes out of clay. I had such a good time, Patty said we could go for the next six weeks if I wanted to. I liked it, the lady in charge had purple hair and two nose studs but she was nice and she told Patty I had natural ability. Then mommy met us for lunch and she said that was the last time she was going to see Dr Samuels because she felt all better now. Mommy was pleased I enjoyed the art classes and said it was ok to keep going if I wanted to. I couldn't wait to tell Kevin about it in school on Monday. 

Most Fridays we go to Patty’s place now and stay till Sunday. Mom says between her work and Patty’s work and school it's the only time we can get to spend together. Lots of our stuff is there now, our clothes, my toys, moms work stuff. I try to keep my things tidy, Patty doesn't like mess so I help clear up before I go to bed. I like Saturday's best because me and Patty go to the art class while mom works or does some shopping then we all eat together and watch a movie or play some games. Patty still cheats and mom pretends to get mad. We all end up laughing and then Patty wins. I don't like Sunday's so much because we have to go home. One Sunday I sat in my room at Patty’s while mom gathered all our stuff together, I heard her shout me saying it was time to go. I sat still on the bed holding my Jess doll until Patty came upstairs. She sat beside me and I climbed into her lap and cried.

“What's wrong Sophie?”  
Patty hated to see me cry but sometimes I couldn't help it, I didn't know how to explain what was wrong, Patty always understood, sometimes better than mommy.

“I want to stay here with you and Corey.” 

Patty sighed and hugged me closer, she had a soft sweater on, it felt nice against my face, I didn't hear mommy come in.

“It's time to go Sophie” mom said softly. I snuggled tighter into Patty’s chest, my voice came out all whiny, Patty really didn't like whiny.

“Why can't we live here? I like it here.” I snivelled. 

I was starting to panic, I don’t get upset often anymore. Usually I just go quiet and sit with Corey but now I was crying so hard it hurt to breathe, mom looked sad and Patty’s face had gone tight. She lifted me away from her chest so she could see my face.

“Stop it. Stop that noise right now. You're upsetting yourself and your mother. Things are how they are Sophie and howling your head off won't change them.”

She didn't yell, but her voice was harsh and loud like I'd never heard it before. I gulped, swallowed and flew off Patty’s lap into my mothers arms. Mom’s eyes had gone wide and she picked me up, I could tell she was angry, her arms were tight round my body, her face had gone red. Patty looked mad too. Now I'd upset everybody, even Corey barked.

“I'll call you when we get home.” 

Mom’s voice was quiet in the room that seethed with emotion. She carried me downstairs and we gathered our things to leave. Patty stayed upstairs, no one said goodbye. 

When we got home mommy got me ready for bed and tucked me in with Jess, she read to me for a while before kissing me goodnight.

“Everything's alright baby. I know you miss Patty when we come home, so do I, she isn't mad with you. She loves you very much. When she doesn't know what to do she gets angry. Don't worry about it ok? You didn't do anything wrong. Go to sleep now, I love you.”

“I love you too, and Patty.” I added, still frightened that my tantrum meant she wouldn't want me anymore. 

I couldn't get to sleep, I played with Jess in my dark room and remembered when we all went to the movies. I thought about all the fun days I'd spent with her and how she always tried to make me feel safe and explained things so I'd understand them. That's why I was so shocked when she spoke to me so harshly. It took a long time before I fell asleep. I was quiet all week at school, Kevin asked me what was wrong but I said I was ok. Every day I asked if Patty had called. If moms phone rang I would look over hopefully and she would shake her head. I went quiet and sat in my room drawing my pictures and playing with Jess. I didn't have much to say to mommy, she was busy with work anyway. I wasn't even hungry and just ate a little bit and asked to go back to my room. By Thursday I summoned up all my courage and sat at the table playing with my dinner, it was fish, I don’t like fish.

“I want to talk to Patty.” 

“Not tonight Sophie.”

“Doesn’t she want me anymore?” my lip wobbled but I wasn't going to cry.

“Of course she does, she loves you, she's just busy.”

“Can I call her?”

“I said no, try and eat some more baby.”

My throat felt blocked, I slid off my chair and went to my room. It was only two sleeps till Saturday. It was our last day at the art class. Me and Patty had been doing some clay animal models together and built a farm for them to live in with a stable block and everything. She said it was like the farm she used to visit when she was little. It was almost finished, Patty said we could bring it back to her place and I could set it all up in my room. I hoped she hadn't forgotten about it. I hoped she hadn't forgot about me. I cried a bit even though I didn't want to, Patty says I’m getting big now and I shouldn't cry.


	12. Chapter 12

We had a good day that sunday, we had been to the park in the morning. Sophie chattered away as we watched Corey play with the other dogs. Patty didn't even grimace when I took her arm as we were walking. Back at the apartment we read the papers and argued over what to have for lunch while Sophie sat on the floor building a Lego house. Patty looked a little tired, she had been putting a lot of hours into the charitable foundation she chaired, but she wasn't unduly stressed or under pressure. The previous night we made love slowly and gently. She told me I was beautiful, I told her I loved her. I fell asleep on her chest while she stroked my hair and whispered sweet things in my ear. When it was close to the time we usually left Sophie retreated to what was now ’her’ room in Patty’s place. She had started to sulk on Sunday afternoons knowing weekdays were largely Patty free zones. 

“I'll get her ready and bring her down.” Patty said quietly, they were the last civil words we spoke before the roof fell in on our relationship.

I made my way up to Sophie’s room, I was surprised to see her crying on Patty’s lap, they’re hadn't been tears from Sophie in a long time. She snuffled against Patty’s chest and said something about wanting to stay. It was hard to make out the words as she got herself so worked up. Her eyes widened in fear and alarm as Patty spoke to her in tones she normally reserved for incompetent associates. Sophie leapt into my arms as if she had been stung. I clamped down hard on my anger because saying anything would have led to an almighty argument I didn't want my daughter subjected to. We left, Patty wisely stayed out of the way. 

It took a long time to settle Sophie in bed that night. I tried to make light of things and I think I reassured her as her last words to me as I wished her goodnight was that she loved Patty. I left it an hour before calling. I felt calm, I was willing to accept an apology or an excuse. It was completely out of character for Patty to turn on Sophie. They adored each other, Patty had shown nothing but a desire to love and protect my little girl. She had endless patience with her, she understood how fragile she was and had always tried to bolster her confidence. I had to know what was going on. Patty must have been sat waiting for the call, she picked up straight away.

“Ellen I'm so sorry, is Sophie alright? You know I hate to see her cry, she was so worked up I was just trying to shock her out of it. I went too far. How has she been?”

“Quiet. You frightened her, she thinks the sun shines out of you, but she's alright, she’s over it, her last words when I settled her in bed were “I love Patty.” I heard her take a sniffy breath, I wondered if she was crying.

“I think it's too confusing for her, backwards and forwards at weekend. I think we should stop the sleep overs.”

I stared blankly at the phone and could feel my pulse pounding loudly in my ears. The walls seemed to shrink in on me. Finally I found my voice.

“But that's the only time we have together, we're both so busy, how would we see each other?”

The silence loomed and stretched over the connection, the faint sound of her breathing was the only indicator she was still there.

“Patty, you're not serious, are you saying you don't want to see us anymore?” It was a lapse, a mad moment. This was ridiculous.

“Why are you doing this, I thought it was going great between us, I thought we were happy, all of us.”

“I should never have agreed to it.”

“Agreed it it?” My voice rose as my incredulity increased. “I wasn't offering you some sort of deal Patty. I love you, I know you feel the same, I know you love Sophie. I don't believe this. Come over here, we can't do this over the phone.”

“Where did you think it would end Ellen? That we would all live happily ever after? You know that won't happen. If you think Sophie’s upset now think how she'll be a couple of years down the line when you realise you've made a huge mistake and walk away again.”

“Stop it, this is bullshit. No ones going anywhere. You are not abandoning us, you can't pick us up and drop us when the mood takes you.”

“That's not what I'm doing, I want to be part of your life but we can't carry on with this...”

“Are you crazy? I love you, my daughter loves you. This morning I woke up in your bed we spend the day as a family and now you want out because you're terrified of that becoming a regular thing?”

“No Ellen, I'm terrified of that not being a regular thing when you decide you've had enough.”

“How do you know what’s going to happen years down the line? I have no intention of leaving you. When the hell did you get to be so insecure?”

“You have always walked away from me, It would be too much for Sophie, too much for me when you do it again.”

“Don't do this. You've just got cold feet, I'm not going to walk away. Let’s meet up tomorrow and talk it through...”

“No. Let's take a break for a few days, no contact. It will give you time to think about it properly. I don't want to go round in circles talking about it.”

“What about Sophie? You're a huge part of her life, you can't just disappear...”

“I'm not, you're not listening to me. After a few days we can start again as it was before...”

“Have you lost your mind?” 

I was conscious of the fact I was starting to lose my temper. My voice was climbing, my grip on the phone was so tight my hand hurt. I felt tears falling, I felt everything slipping away.

“Don't cry. Go and get some sleep, think things over, you'll see I'm right. Don't cry..”

I hung up, dried my eyes and hauled myself off the couch. I couldn't force Patty to change her mind. I had to give her the space she demanded and prayed she would come to her senses. I already missed her dreadfully. A few days crawled past and I began to worry about Sophie. She asked for Patty constantly, I made excuses and tried to carry on as normal. By Thursday she set her jaw and asked to speak to Patty on the phone, I refused, her face fell and she slipped away from the table after barely eating anything. She was withdrawing and resorting to silence and moping in her room. I wondered what would happen at weekend, it was Sophie’s last day at the art classes she and Patty had enjoyed together. I knew she was pinning her hopes on Patty showing up to take her. I had to call her, I wouldn't let Sophie feel that crushing disappointment of abandonment again. 

Patty sounded completely unaffected on the phone, we chatted a bit awkwardly for a few minutes and then I asked about Saturday. “Of course I'll be taking her” she said as if it was never in doubt. I've enjoyed it as much as she has. I'll pick her up at nine. A note of hesitation came into her voice for the first time when she asked how Sophie had been.

“Upset and confused Patty, I snapped. “She's withdrawn, she's barely eating, she's wondering what she's done wrong to make you cut her off this way.” 

I didn't feel remotely guilty. My daughter was in pain and Patty was the cause of it.

“Ellen stop it. I'll talk to her on Saturday, I'll make her understand...”

“Good luck with that because what chance does a six year old have when I haven't got a clue what's going on here.” 

I hung up breathing heavily, angry and frustrated.


	13. Chapter 13

We weren't staying at Patty’s this weekend. Mommy said that she and Patty were really busy at work and they both needed some time to catch up with things. Patty was taking me to the gallery on Saturday though so I suppose it was ok. I was ready really early, I made sure I wore the new shoes Patty bought for me and wanted to wear new clothes too so I would look extra smart but mommy said no. She said I might get them messy with the art stuff and I had to wear what she said. I waited on the couch until Patty came. When mom opened the door I ran straight for Patty and she gave me a big hug, she bent down to look in my eyes.

“Ready to go?” She took my hand and ruffled my hair. Mom didn't say anything and they didn't hug and kiss like they normally do. Patty didn't look at mom at all. She asked me all kinds of stuff while we were in the car so I told her all about school that week and how Kevin won the spelling contest and that mommy was really busy so we couldn't come over and stay with her like we usually do. I showed her I had my new shoes on and said I wanted to wear the new top she had bought me, the one with the fancy buttons on, but mommy wouldn't let me in case I got it all dirty. 

Patty didn't say much but when we got in the gallery she helped me finish the farm we had made then we had to collect all the stuff we had done in the past weeks and put it in the pictures folder she had bought. We packed the farm in a box and all the little animals we had made and painted into a smaller one. I told Patty how I was going to set it all up in my room when we got back to her place so I would be able to play with it when we came over. I promised to keep it tidy. But Patty said it would be better if I took it all home so I could play with it when I came home from school and whenever I wanted. I went a bit quiet then because that sounded good, but I wanted Patty to play farm with me because she knew about all the animals and would make them hold animal conversations in their voices to make me laugh. Mommy wasn't good at that sort of stuff. I sulked a bit in the car and played with my socks. I said I wanted to go to the apartment and see Corey to take him to the park but she said no because it was going to rain. She was taking me home already. She said mom wanted to see all the pictures we had done at the class and see the farm and that she had a lot of work to do. When we got home we carried all the stuff inside, mom asked me if I had a good time and I nodded and went to my room to put things away. Mom didn't ask to see my pictures or mention the farm. I heard her talking to Patty and then I heard yelling so I stayed in my room. Something was wrong. Patty was different, mommy looked sad again. I don't know why I was crying but I curled up on my bed, it had the toy story cover on that Patty bought for me and hid my face in the pillow and cuddled Jess. After a while mom came in and lay on the bed with me. Patty had left without coming in to say goodbye. 

It was ok when I was at school, Kevin is my best friend now, we sit together all the time and play together at break time. I spoke to Patty on the phone after school a few times and she came over the next weekend and we took Corey out and went to the cafe for ice cream. Mommy didn't come and they didn't say much to each other. Patty said goodbye this time and I crawled on her lap to give her a big hug. She always smelt so nice, I put my head under her chin and wrapped my arms tight round her neck. I gave her a kiss on the cheek and then another one. I snuggled back into her neck. Mom asked her if she would like a cup of tea but she said no. I clung on tighter.

“Don't go yet, will you play farm with me?”

“I can't today Sophie, I have to get home.”

I slid off her knee feeling sad all of a sudden. I looked at her and she looked sad too, I looked at mommy and she looked angry.

“Go to your room Sophie, I need to talk to Patty for a minute.”

I went in to my bedroom and shut the door, the farm and all the animals were still in the boxes on the floor. I kicked the farm box and the lid came off. I stepped inside the box and stomped on the farm in my shiny new shoes, I heard crunching sounds, I heard mommy shouting, I heard myself sob. I don't know why I did it, I don't know why mom and Patty were yelling there heads off in the other room. I don't know why they don't kiss or joke around anymore. I don't know what I did to make everything so bad. I stood in the middle of my room and threw my books on the floor. I pulled open my drawers and added my clothes to the pile kicking them around. I took off my shiny new shoes and threw them too, one hit the window and my bedroom door crashed open. Patty picked me up and I struggled in her tight hold. I slapped out at her with my hands.

“What did I do Patty? What did I do?” I wailed in her arms. 

I was all snotty and teary, everything Patty didn't like. Her eyes were wide and shocked. I held my arms out for my mommy and Patty passed me over before sitting down heavily on my bed, she covered her mouth with her hand as I cried into moms neck. Mom carried me into the other room, she rubbed my back and told me to calm down, that everything was going to be alright. She sat on the couch and I snuggled in her lap.


	14. Fourteen

I found it astonishing that Patty could withdraw so completely. She refused to discuss her decision to end our relationship or her reasons for it. She picked Sophie up on Saturday to finish their classes at the gallery and it hurt to look at her avoiding my eyes and acting like everything was alright. Pretending that given a few weeks we would all settle back into the supportive friend role that she decided was all we were going to get. If it wouldn't have hurt Sophie so badly I would have cut off all contact. I could just about stand the pain of seeing her but Sophie would be bereft if she stopped coming altogether. Patty knew I wouldn't do that to either of them. 

When they returned from the gallery barely three hours after they left the apartment I could see confusion and disappointment in my daughters eyes. She slunk off to her room to put her precious artwork away as Patty hovered in the hallway. We degenerated into an argument at record speed. 

“Tell me why, what changed, what did I do wrong?”

“We've talked about this. You and I? It would never work.” Patty spoke quietly and with soft determination as if explaining things to a child.

“It was working. I miss you, I miss kissing you and being in your bed. I miss your face lighting up when we’re all together, I miss what we had and I don't understand why you took it away from us. From all of us.”

“I'm here Ellen, I haven't taken anything away. I'll be here as long as you want me.”

“You know thats not what I mean. Do you love me Patty?” 

She had never said the words to me and I had refused to let myself dwell on that. She would whisper endearments in the dark of her bedroom. She would compliment me, support me, and show me in a hundred ways and that was enough. I told myself it wasn't important that she never said it. Suddenly I wanted to hear the words or hear her deny it. She closed her eyes and looked pained. I asked her again.

“Yes, I do, of course I do.” she whispered the words. 

She moved towards the door and reached out a hand to grasp the handle.  
“Say it then.” I challenged her childishly. 

She turned and dropped her hand, she looked at me wearily as if I was the one causing her great distress.

“It could never work. I'm letting you go while I still can. I'm past sixty for gods sake. Can you imagine being happy with me in ten years time, because I can't see it. You'll be in your forties, in your prime, coming home to an old woman. Be realistic Ellen, can you honestly say its what you want.”

“Yes I can. Because I'd be coming home to you. I’ve wanted to do that for years. I don't care how old you are, I don't believe you do either. This is about fear. You're frightened of losing me and Sophie so you're pushing us away.”

“Michael used to do that.. Cry on a Sunday, because he knew weekdays I'd be gone. I used to creep out of the apartment before he woke in the mornings or I would have to peel him off me to leave him with a nanny. I would hear him screaming for me all the way down the street. I put my career and myself before my child and I carried on doing it for years. Does that sound like parent material to you?”

“That sounds like an ambitious woman who went on to become one of the best lawyers of her time. You did what you had to do, what was right for you at that time. You don't have to make choices like that anymore. Sophie barely remembers her father, she looks to you as a parental figure and until the other week you were doing a fantastic job. She's come so far with your support, we both have. We all make mistakes Patty, god... look at me. Don't make another one.”

“Don't say anymore. I'm leaving now, I'll call you soon.”

She turned and left before I could stop her. I reviewed the few things she had told me and believed more strongly than ever that I was right. It was fear that made Patty do this. Fear of who she was and the choices she had made in the past. Fear of losing something she had no idea she could ever have, and fear of being happy and having to rely on someone else to provide that happiness. She was trying to shield herself from the pain and the risk that loving someone entails. She had spent her life doing it.

To be fair the following week was a little better. Patty called most evenings and Sophie chatted to her about school and her beloved Kevin and seemed to be coming out of her funk a little. She was excited to be spending her Saturday with Patty who had promised her an outing with Corey which was still, inexplicably my daughters favourite treat. There was still the stilted awkwardness when she arrived to pick up Sophie but I had to smile as my daughter ran forward happily to be gathered into a warm genuine embrace. Patty’s smile tugged at my heart.

“Have a good time at the park girls.”

Sophie gave me a swift hug and grasped Patty’s hand to tug her out the door, all her news spilling out in a jumble of words about Corey, dog parks, school and Kevin. Patty stroked her hair as they walked away and I closed the door with a sigh as the silence of the apartment rang in my ears. They were gone longer this time and when they came back in a flurry of laughter, glowing from the November air I could smell on them both, they looked happy. I offered to make some tea while Sophie sat almost suffocating Patty in a full on bear hug. Watching my baby’s face crumple as Patty declined a drink and prepared to leave made something inside me snap. I told Sophie to go to her room, she slunk off dejected once more and I turned on Patty as soon as she closed her door.

“Jesus Patty, couldn't you give her ten more minutes? I thought you wanted her to be happy. Do what you want to me but if you hurt her one more time that's it. I will stop you coming here.”

Of course that was the one thing I had promised never to do. The one thing that would hurt her more than anything else. I regretted it as soon as the words were out of my mouth. But anger at seeing my little girl upset had got the better of me and I knew it would provoke a reaction.

“You promised me you wouldn’t keep me from seeing her.”

“And you promised you would never hurt her.” 

Things went rapidly downhill from there. Accusations flew, insults were traded and the past was raked up again. We were both breathing hard and heading for very stormy waters when a crash from Sophie’s room brought us up short. Patty got there first and opened the door on a scene of destruction I would never dreamed Sophie capable of. Her room was trashed, the contents of her drawers strewn across the floor. There were pieces of the model farm scattered amongst the debris and my shy, reserved, loving little girl was lashing out in anger in Patty’s arms on the verge of hysteria. 

Quickly I gathered her to me and took her away from the scene, rubbing her back and uttering soothing words, trying to calm her as best I could. I had never seen an expression of shock on Patty’s face like the one it had as she sat in stunned silence on Sophie’s bed. My focus was on my daughter now, I rocked her as I used to when she was a baby. I crooned in her ear until I felt her sobs and trembling subside. She cried herself to sleep and I lay her gently on the couch covering her with a throw. I felt exhausted myself, I hauled myself up and into Sophie’s room where Patty was attempting to restore some semblance of order. She looked up when I walked in.

“Ellen, I'm so sorry, I had no idea of the harm I was doing, I thought it was the right thing. I got scared, I panicked, I pushed you both away, and I was so wrong...”

“Patty, please, shut up.”

“No, let me get it out. I love you, I’ve missed you more than....”

“Shut up.” 

I spoke in a hoarse whisper to avoid bellowing from frustration. Trust Patty to bring it up now, to tell me she loves me now when I was so angry I wanted to rip her head off. 

“No need to wonder where she gets her temper from.”

Patty attempted a joke but her face was grey and her eyes were red, she was feeling guilty and upset and fooling no one. I put a gentle hand on her shoulder and she turned and embraced me fiercely.

“I think she’s got it from you.” I joked back “I've seen you sweep your desk off more than once.” 

I felt her smile against my neck.

“Nonsense, if she had my temper that shoe would have gone through the window.” 

We stayed locked together swaying softly, carefully I brushed a soft kiss on her jaw and felt it returned on my neck. I sucked on her earlobe and felt her arms tighten around me. 

“Ellen” she breathed my name, drawing it out like she does in bed and I erupted in goosebumps and desire. My fingers scrabbled with the fastenings of her jeans as I backed her up against the wall tugging them down impatiently, suddenly desperate to touch her, to claim her, before she could think up anymore excuses to draw away again. I stared into her eyes before kissing her with so much pent up emotion we were both gasping when we broke away.

“We can't do this now...”

Her statement might have held a bit more weight if she wasn't struggling to extricate a leg from uncooperative jeans, so I kissed her and told her shut up again as I snuck a hand into her underwear and we both moaned as my fingers brushed along her, finding her wet and ready. She bit on my neck, held on to me urgently and told me to hurry up. I did, it didn't take long before she sagged back against the wall and pulled me to her, holding me close, breathing me in. My whole body throbbed in need for her, I felt close to tears as our personal roller coaster took another corkscrew turn. I didn't want to let her go, I buried my head in her neck as she stroked a hand through my hair in the comforting way I had done to Sophie minutes before. We stood there a long time.

“Let go Ellen,” she kissed the side of my head and I stepped away while she wrestled herself back into jeans, straightened the rest of her clothes and smoothed out her appearance. 

“I'm never letting go. I don't care how hard you fight me or what mistakes you've made before. I'm not giving up because I know this is right and we’re the best damn thing that ever happened to you.”

“Are you done?” she sounded completely composed, the confidence I felt moments ago wavered slightly. I nodded.

“Did you mention tea a while ago?” she brushed a stray bit of model farm from her jeans.

“I thought you had to dash off?” I raised my eyebrows at her.

“It can wait. You know, I worked really hard on that farm....”

“Patty!” I shook my head in disbelief at her gall and stalked off to use the bathroom and make some tea.


	15. Chapter 15

When I woke up on the couch, Patty was sat on the floor in front of me sipping her drink. I slid down into her lap and she wrapped me up tight in her arms. She was all warm and cuddly and she smelt nice.

“You've got lipstick on your neck.”

“Hmmm, well I put it on in the dark.”

“It wasn't there this morning.”

“Who are you, the lipstick police?” 

She tickled me, I giggled and she kissed my hair while she rubbed the lipstick away. She asked me if I was ok and I nodded into her neck quiet and ashamed now. Patty told me everyone gets upset now and again but I should talk about what's bothering me rather than break things up. I looked at mommy who was rolling her eyes but stopped when she saw me watching and she said that Patty was right. Patty asked me if the animals survived and I told her I wouldn't hurt an animal because Corey would know and be upset. She laughed at that but I meant it. I told Corey things I didn't tell Patty or even mommy. I said I was sorry about breaking up the farm and making a mess but Patty told me not to worry about it anymore. It was done and over with and everyone was alright. I sat wrapped up with Patty on the floor while mommy started to make us some dinner. We got up when she said her back was starting to hurt so we sat on the couch and I crawled back into her lap.

“Sophie, you can let go. I'm not going anywhere.”

“You'll be going home soon. Corey's all by himself. I know his walker doesn't come on the weekend.”

“I can stay for dinner if that's ok. Maybe you and your mom can come over tomorrow, bring the animals and show them to Corey.”

“Can we mom?” 

I shouted through to kitchen, not wanting to give up my prime spot on Patty’s lap and she winced at the volume.

“Ok, come and help set the table.”

“That means you too Patty.” I said tugging on her hand to help her up.

I got mommy up early the next day so we could spend the whole day over at Patty’s place. Something was bothering me even though I couldn't put a name to it. I felt anxiety along with my excitement. I suppose I was confused about all the changes lately. I wanted things to be the same as before but I also knew I wanted more than that. I was still frightened Patty was going to leave us. I didn't understand what had happened to keep Patty away. I knew she got mad when I got upset. I knew she loved me, but now I felt like we were little more than visitors in her life. 

Daddy left us, I don't remember him being here really, I was only little then. But I remember baking with Patty, and sorting her shoes, and playing cards, and reading, and best of all the time at the beach house, when I felt for a while that we could be a real family. I don't know if I believed that anymore. 

Patty opened the door with a happy smile and told me to put the coats in ’my room.’ It was the first week of December now and the weather had turned bitterly cold with bright skies and a biting wind. When I went in the room I saw that Patty had bought a big model farm from a store and set it all up on a long low table. It looked great but it made me feel sad too. It wasn't the one we made together. It was too perfect, too shiny. Still, I unpacked all the animals we had made and a few of the ones we had bought together and by the time I had put them in pens, or yards or in the stables it looked better. I walked back to the lounge to ask Patty to come and see it. Patty and mommy were stood in the kitchen kissing. On the mouth. With their eyes closed. I giggled, mom’s eyes flew wide open and she pushed Patty away so fast she almost fell over. 

“You're kissing like tv people”

Patty stood looking right at me with her eyebrows up in her hair.

“Like tv people? What have you been watching?” She said incredulously.

I panicked, mom was very strict about how much tv I could watch. I didn't want her to stop me watching altogether.

“Um.. Cinderella.” I said with a burst of inspiration. 

Mom made a choking, snorting noise and Patty seemed to be struggling to control a laugh.

“Cinderella? I don't think I've seen that particular version. Let's see how the animals are getting on in the farm. Ellen, control yourself.” 

Mom had turned a funny colour and was laughing really loud. I don't know what she found so funny, there was definitely kissing in cinderella. It was nice to hear her laughing. I played farm with Patty for a while and then we all bundled up to take Corey out. It was freezing cold, the grass was all hard and frosty, I felt sorry for Corey but he was running around with the other dogs and didn't seem to mind. I walked in the middle of mom and Patty holding the hand of each. Patty called for Corey and he came and walked along side us. It was supposed to be like this. I knew we would be going back home later but I wasn't going to make a fuss about it. I don't think Patty would like it if I got upset again. I had to be good and quiet so she would keep us close. We were all happy today, I had seen mom and Patty kissing, it made me smile again thinking about it. I stopped walking and pressed my face into Patty’s coat, not her white one, I haven't seen that one for a long time. This was a long black coat, it was soft against my face. I wrapped my arms round the top of her legs and she bent down to pick me up. I cuddled in close hoping my feet wouldn't dirty her coat but not caring too much.

“What's wrong with you?” her voice was close to my ear, quiet and low.

“I love you Patty.” I squeezed my head into her neck and kissed her sloppily. 

“Why?”

“Cos you're funny and smart and you've got pretty hair and lots of shoes.”

“Wow, anything else?”

I shook my head laughing. She put me down and looked at me, pinning me with her cool blue eyes.

“I messed up Sophie. I hurt you and your mom and I'm sorry. I won't do it again. You can rely on me. Do you understand?”

I didn't really, but I nodded anyway and ran ahead through a pile of dried leaves kicking them up. When I looked back mom had took Patty’s hand and they followed me, walking slowly.


	16. Sixteen

My child had lost her heart to Patty as completely as I had. Whenever we were together she would crawl into her lap when she sat down showering her with hugs and kisses. In a way it was painful to watch. Patty had all the power as it always used to be between is. I was a little frightened of that. It scared me how much we loved her as I wasn’t sure she had found the courage to see it through. I wanted to trust her but her withdrawal was too fresh and too frightening for me to be able to do it. 

It was about a month after we had back together and we had spent the weekend as a family. Cooking, eating together and playing with Sophie. Patty had bought her a bicycle and we got out of the apartment for a while to let her ride it in the park. It was a good idea, it was cold but bright and Sophie was so happy riding alongside Corey. Patty even took my arm as we walked along without seeming too self conscious about it. 

When we returned to the apartment Sophie scrambled back onto Patty’s lap and surprisingly dropped off the sleep. She settled her down in a corner of the couch and covered her with a throw before motioning me to follow her to the kitchen area.

“Want to kiss like tv people?” It was nice but rare to hear her tease me.

“Cinderella.” I corrected her while moving into her embrace. 

“Does that make me prince charming?” 

She kissed me lazily, like we had all the time in the world, leaning back against the kitchen counter. She felt small and delicate in my arms. Deceptively so. I pressed myself into her, feeling a now familiar surge of desire. She affected me like no one else ever had. I let a hand wander down her side coming to rest on her backside, squeezing gently. Immediately she pulled away.

“Stay tonight, I want you lay down, spread out. I want to take my time.” her voice was low and wet in my ear, her eyes glazed with desire. It would have been so easy to say yes. 

“Not fair Patty, we have to go home. Sophie has school tomorrow and I have to get organised for work. Besides we can't just brush the last few weeks under the carpet. We need to talk.”

She sighed noisily, immediately guarded and uncomfortable, she stiffened in my arms and moved away.

“I’m sorry, I shouldn't have asked. I shouldn't expect to just walk back in and carry on as before.”

“I want to know if you’re in or out. I want to know you're not going to do anything like that again.”

“I want this. I do, but I don't know how to do it. I don't know how to love you. I thought the best thing would be to try to let it go. Let you get on with your life but I can't do that either. I found it hard to be around Sophie without you. I don't just love her because she's sweet and funny. I love her because she's yours, and in some inexplicable way, that makes her mine. But it didn't feel right without you. I’m not making much sense...”

“It's called being a family Patty. A partner, a child. Does it feel right when we're all together?”

“It’s not that simple.”

“What's stopping you? Tell me, please.” 

I felt my pulse quicken and my heart began to pound loud enough for her to hear. I knew what was coming and I dreaded it.

Patty sighed again and looked exasperated, evasive and determined all at the same time. Suddenly, she looked away from me, over my shoulder. She looked at Sophie and then back at me, straight into my eyes.

“I was behind the attempt on your life during the Frobisher case.” She delivered the words quite slowly and deliberately. She didn't take her eyes off me.

I literally felt the blood drain from my face and had to force myself to remain upright as my knees buckled and I slumped back against the counter. All the breath left my body in a rush, the room seemed to close in on me. I saw darkness on the edge of my vision and forced in a huge gasp of air. I steadied and forced myself to look at her when every instinct was telling me to scoop up Sophie and run. This was the moment we had to face. The awful truth that had haunted me for years.

“I know.”

Her eyes widened slightly but she showed no great sign of surprise. She remained silent in front of me. 

“I always suspected it, you know that. You admitted it in that hotel room years ago, but I still wasn't sure. You were out of options, I was out of my mind waving a gun around. You would have said anything you thought would save you. During the McClaren case I saw the man who attacked me. I managed to track him down, I had his DNA at the scene, I got a taped confession, I had everything I needed to finish you.”

“Why didn't you? Why didn't you confront me before now?”

I looked over at my daughter sleeping innocently on the couch twenty feet away. My baby who loved the woman in front of me. Sophie was the reason I had to let it all go back then. I had just found out I was pregnant and the stress of the Channing case and my new found knowledge was putting both our lives at risk. I buried everything. The evidence, my pain, my disgust at myself for the love I had for this woman that just would not go away despite what I knew. No wonder it all came tumbling down when over five years later I allowed Patty back in. I couldn't cope with seeing her, building something with her and knowing what I knew. Almost a year of therapy and talking it all out, over and over. Over a year when I realised I could live with it, I could forgive her simply because I loved her enough to want to and I came to believe during that time she loved me. Learning to trust myself and Patty had brought us to this moment. But hearing the confession from her lips, the lips I'd been hungrily kissing seconds before. No amount of therapy could have prepared me for that. Now she had said it, it was real. The fact that I knew hadn't surprised her, on some level she knew that I knew, but that wasn't enough for her. I was prepared to let it go but Patty wasn't. Her need to confront it was stronger than my desire not to. I had found my way of accepting what happened, she needed to find hers. Sophie began to stir on the couch. She sat up sleepily looking around for us, she called out for Patty, not me. I could tell Sophie immediately picked up on the strained atmosphere. 

“Are you fighting?” she asked Patty in a whisper.

“No, we're not fighting, we were deciding what to do this afternoon. What would you like?”

“A movie.”

“Ok go and choose one from your room.” 

Sophie scrambled off with a slightly worried expression to make her selection.

“Do you want to leave?” Patty took advantage while Sophie was gone.

“No, let her watch her movie, I don't want to worry her by leaving before she's ready.”

Patty nodded slowly as if she understood, I couldn't read her expression. She had closed herself off, when she looked at me it was as if I was a stranger.


	17. Seventeen

At least this time we had no confrontations in front of Sophie. When we returned home that Sunday after the bombshell Patty waited until she knew my daughter would be in bed before she called me. When she broke it off before there were angry words and raised voices. I was hurt, angry and mystified by her decision. This time our conversations were conducted in hoarse whispers interspersed with strained silences. I did not want to discuss it over the phone. I did not want to discuss it at all but if we were going to talk about it, it had to be face to face. It was Patty once again who withdrew, Patty who needed the distance. She was the one who could not live with the truth of what she had done all those years ago. Perhaps she could not live with the knowledge that I knew her darkest secret.

It was approaching Christmas and Sophie was driving me crazy about her part in the Christmas concert at school. I had to make her costume, listen to her rehearse her two lines ad infinitum, and bolster her fragile self esteem which always receded further without her beloved Patty to shore her up. I would not let this be the end for us. We had not come this far to fall at the final hurdle no matter how insurmountable it seemed. 

Patty seemed to be disappearing into herself, she knew no amount of words could justify her actions. Sorry didn't really cover it and the last thing I wanted was to hear an apology anyway. Our stilted phone conversations went round in endless circles. I would tell her I loved her enough to accept what happened and move on. I told her about my therapy and how it made me realise that loving her was not something to be ashamed of or hate myself for. I was done blaming her and trying to understand why. It happened and it was over for me now. I suspected she was drinking heavily that week, alcohol had always been her crutch in times of stress and I thought the inflection of her voice was slightly off due to the influence. Eventually I talked her into going to the beach house for the weekend, just the two of us. It would be the first time we had been alone for an extended period of time. I think she believed it was going to be a final goodbye. I had a plan I prayed would change her mind. I dropped Sophie at my mothers on Friday after work with an excuse I was attending a training weekend at a city hotel. I returned home and Patty picked me up about eight. I hugged her hello, she held onto me with a touch of desperation, she did not kiss me and had trouble holding my gaze. She wore an expression I had never seen on her before. Defeat. It turned my stomach to see it. She wasn't going to fight for me. For us. The journey passed by mainly in silence, she asked about Sophie of course and the damn costume. We even managed to laugh a little as we both recited her lines. It was late when we arrived and it was only when I got a good look at her in the lights of the kitchen that I could see how tired and drawn she looked. Her pallor was off, there was a slight tremor to her hand as she poured herself a drink. I opted for tea, I barely touched alcohol these days. I did not want her to get drunk and maudlin, I wanted to feel her in my arms again. To remind her of what we had.

“We can talk tomorrow. You look tired, it's been a long day.”

“I am tired, do you want the guest room?”

I sucked in a breath, I had promised myself to remain calm and in control of my temper. She was going to try to provoke me like the Patty of old.

“No, I don't want the guest room. I want you to take me to bed. I want your body on mine and your fingers inside me. I want you to make love to me.” I stood close and held her by the shoulders whispering the words softly in her ear.

She closed her eyes and breathed out my name like it was torture for her to say it. She tried to step away but I held on. 

“Let's go to bed.”

She nodded, we picked up our bags and wandered down the hallway, she had barely said a word since we entered the house. She disappeared into the bathroom while I emptied the bags and stashed away the parcel I brought with me. Patty crawled into bed and cocooned herself beneath the comforter, it was freezing out and the room was frigidly cold. I shivered while I removed my make up and took my turn in the bathroom. I walked back into the bedroom, Patty was lay curled up with her eyes closed, I slipped in beside her and she hissed and stiffened a I pressed my naked body to her back. I kissed her neck and ran my hand down her side to rest on her pyjama clad hip.

“Turn around. If you don't want me to touch you that's fine, but let me hold you. It's been so long..”

She must have heard the emotion in my voice and sensed I was beginning to unravel because suddenly she turned and surrounded me in that strange way she has. Her arms encircled me, her scent enveloped me, her legs tangled with mine, her hair soft against my skin. She melted into me until I wasn't sure where she ended and I began. Her hands seemed to be everywhere. She stroked my breasts, my thighs, my stomach. Her tongue was in my mouth, her fingers slipped deep into my sex and she drew back to stare intently into my eyes as she began to move them slowly in and out. I widened my legs and locked them around her hips.

“Tell me you love me.” she whispered into my ear.

“I love you. I've loved you for years, I will always love you.”

She withdrew her fingers and placed the pad of one onto my clit barely brushing against it. I began to gasp and strain upwards for more contact as she tapped the swollen bud lightly yet I could feel it all over my body. All my muscles began to tense as the orgasm curled and built before gathering and spreading a delicious molten heat through every nerve end. I could virtually hear my sex throbbing with the intensity of the release. She pushed two fingers back inside filling me and rubbed at my walls as I felt myself clench and release around them. A tear splashed onto my cheek followed by more as she continued to rock into me before withdrawing her fingers and cupping me gently, easing me down. My limbs still clung to her locking her against me.

“Don't cry.” I muttered as the tears continued to fall unchecked. She dropped her weight onto me and suddenly she was sobbing, choking, coughing, cries of shame and regret. She curled away from me into a tight ball like an injured animal and tried to shake me off when I wrapped myself around her.

“Stop fighting me.” I hissed in her ear. “I've given you everything I have, I've given you my love, my trust and my child. Don't throw it all away.”

I held on while the crying subsided, while she lay tense and awake through the most of the night, while I could almost hear her thoughts turning round and round in her head. 

Patty was up and out of bed even before the weak sunlight filtered into the cold room causing me to force my eyelids open. I could smell coffee brewing so I hauled myself up and into some jeans and a sweater before joining her in the kitchen. She still looked exhausted, her eyes were puffy and red rimmed, her hands trembled with fatigue as she lifted her mug. She looked battered and weary, she was back to not meeting my eyes. 

“Look at me. We are going to deal with is and put an end to it, nothing is going to stop me Patty.”

“How do you propose we do that? There is no way around the truth.”

“We both knew the truth before we started this. Nothing has changed.”

“You're not that stupid. I see it in your eyes every time I look at you.”

“No. You see your own guilt reflecting back at you. I've forgiven you. You have to forgive yourself.”

“I’ve been such a fool.”

“Why? To love me, to love Sophie, to want a better life with a family that loves you back?”

“I don't understand how you can do it.”

“I don’t understand how you can’t.”

She gave a nasty mirthless chuckle and turned away again, shaking her head at my perceived naïveté. I felt my temper begin to rise and swallowed it down. That's what she wanted, a shouting match, a loss of control and angry words hurled without thought.

“I signed a mans death warrant during the McClaren case and you know it. I'm no better than you. I have my own ghosts. We both know what we were capable off back then. Let's bury the past together. We can have a good life, all three of us.”

I had no qualms about using every weapon at my disposal, I knew a reference to Sophie would shake her resolve. She loved me but she would let me go to spite herself. But she adored Sophie, her beautiful, innocent little shadow. Sophie who hung onto her every word, who believed she could do no wrong. Sophie who had come so far under her guidance. Patty gave me a very hard look but I stared right back. It wasn't just us who would suffer in this, I wanted her to realise that. I walked over to her and wrapped an arm around her waist, I kissed her cheek and walked away. I picked up the slim package of files I had brought from home and headed outside. There was a utility area by the back door, I found what I was looking for and shivered in the frigid December air. At least it wasn't raining. I walked a few yards into the scrubby sandy area behind the house and dropped the files to the floor. The wind whipped up the sand as it howled around the house. It stung my eyes but I knelt down with the trowel and began to dig. The ground gave easily until the soft sand became firmer and harder to move. I kept going beginning to sweat with the effort despite my lack of appropriate clothing. Finally I sat back on my heels and hoped I wouldn't have to wait too long. I didn't. Her voice rang out from the back door moments later.

“Ellen, what are you doing out here? Come back inside it's freezing.”

She walked over to where I was sat shivering on the ground. She peered into what was an impressive looking rectangular hole. I got up, briefly showed her the files, and a flash-drive and dropped them into it. I rooted through my pants for a matchbook and lit a few together, sheltering them from the wind by leaning into the hole. The thin card of the files flickered and caught. In no time at all, the flames flared briefly before all the pages were reduced to a small pile of ash and the drive was an unrecognisable lump of melted plastic. Patty just stood there looking at me like I had lost my mind.

“That was our past going up in smoke Patty. Don't let our future go the same way.”

Those files contained the only links to her involvement with my assailant and the details of the man who was murdered by associates of McClaren and my connection to them. I held the trowel out to her with a questioning look on my face.

“Bury them. We will never speak of them again.” I kept my voice and hand steady with a monumental effort.

“You're ridiculous. Twelve year olds would do this.”

“We can't change history. We have to let it go.”

I held my breath. She looked towards the house for long seconds and just as I believed she was going to walk back inside she reached out a hand and took the trowel.

“And just like that everything will be alright?” she gave me a scornful look.

“No, it won't, but we start again and make it right.” 

Patty dropped to her knees in the biting wind that tossed her hair around her face and used her hands to shovel the sandy earth over the remains of our horrendous past. She picked up the trowel and packed down loose dirt before standing and scuffing more sand over the spot with her soft flat shoes. 

“The way the winds blowing it will shift the ground and you won't be able to tell where we did this by tomorrow.” 

I reached out a hand, she took it and hauled herself to her feet. 

“That's it?”

“Thats the best we can do.”

“We just pretend it never happened?”

I sighed heavily wondering if she was being deliberately obtuse.

“It happened. It's done. We move on.”

There were several beats of silence, then she turned to face me.

“Have you finished that costume yet?”

I felt a smile tug at my lips as we began to walk back to the shelter of the house.

“No. Actually I have a problem with that.” 

“Why am I not surprised? I suppose you've brought it with you.”

“As a matter of fact I have. I thought you might have some ideas.”

“For gods sake Ellen its hardly designing for the house of Chanel, go and find it, I won't have her looking like an urchin in front of the whole school.”

“Are you sure you want to do this?” I held my breath again as we shut the door against the elements.

“Obviously since designing a Christmas costume is beyond your capabilities.” she smirked, purposefully misunderstanding me. I raised my eyebrows at her, silently asking for her agreement.

She stared at me for a long moment. “I’m positive.” she answered with a glint in her eye.

Patty surprised me by offering to pick Sophie up from my moms place on our way home the following day. On the drive over there she floated the idea of the three of us staying at her apartment until the holidays and spending Christmas together. I knew Sophie would be thrilled at the prospect but she sensed my hesitancy.

“I'm all in Ellen. Isn't that what you wanted?”

“You don't have to go from one extreme to another.”

“So you don't want us to spend the holidays together?”

“Of course I do.” I felt like battering my head against the windshield.

“I sense a ’but’ coming.”

“This is a big deal Patty, a couple of days ago you were ready to end this, now you're practically asking us to move in. Everything has been so up and down. It's been very confusing for Sophie.”

“Exactly. I want her to know I'm going to be a permanent fixture, I want you both to know that.”

She stared fixedly straight ahead at the lines of traffic, she looked tense, her lips set in a firm line. I covered her hand with my own and squeezed it gently.

“Alright. All in it is. You can tell her when we pick her up.”

She visibly relaxed and gave me a half smile, she locked her fingers through mine.

“All in it is.”


	18. Eighteen

We never moved into Patty’s apartment although we continued to visit and stay over at the weekends. Patty said we needed a place with more rooms and a backyard for me and Corey to run around in. She said she wanted us all to have a fresh start in a new place that we could make into a home together.

One Saturday while Mom was shopping, Patty got me up on her lap and showed me some pictures of houses on her laptop asking me which one I liked the best. Patty said this was important and I had to be sure because we would all be living there a long time, maybe right until I left to go to college. I said maybe I won’t go because I want to be a dog walker or an artist. Patty said I don’t have to decide right away.

 

We spend lots of time together doing fun stuff and talking about everything. Mom is so much happier now, she laughs a lot and she looks so pretty all the time. Patty is happy too. She sings along to Disney songs when we watch movies and draws great pictures of Mommy and me that we plan to decorate the new place with.

 

Patty tells me she loves me everyday. Sometimes she gets all serious telling me that she will always be around to watch me grow up and make my way in the world. She says stuff like that all the time now. I think she believes I’m too little to understand so she keeps on and on explaining things as if I’m a baby or something. Patty loves me, she loves My Mom and we’re all going to live together in a house that costs zillions of dollars. That’s all I need to know.


End file.
